When I first dipped my toes into MI training, I found myself in a training with doctors, vets, nurses, dietitians…you name it. This just goes to show that it doesn’t matter what your 9-5 looks like, MI can help sprinkle some magic in your professional relations and hey, even give a little zing to your personal life.

So, buckle up pals, ’cause we’re about to dive into what Motivational Interviewing is all about. In this post, we’re going to explore the essence of Motivational Interviewing, demystify its core components, and show how it might be useful for therapists and non-therapists alike.

What is Motivational Interviewing?

Motivational Interviewing is a therapeutic style designed to help individuals overcome ambivalence about change. Contrary to modalities like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Somatic Experiencing, MI is non-confrontational and focuses on evoking the participant’s own motivation. It’s not solely a therapy; it’s a way of engaging someone in an open and empathetic dialogue and helping them in making decisions aligned with their values.

Initially developed by William R. Miller and Stephen Rollnick in the 1980s, MI was aimed at helping clients that were struggling with substance use disorders and feeling ambivalent about whether or not to quit their substance use. However, its application has broadened significantly over time, encompassing a variety of professional and personal situations.

The Spirit of Motivational Interviewing

“Spirit of MI” concept emphasizes partnership, acceptance, compassion, and evocation, steering away from the expert-patient dynamic towards a more equal relationship. To put simply: we’re accompanying someone on their decision-making journey rather than telling them what to do.

Four Principles of Motivational Interviewing

1. Engaging and Building Rapport

Establish a safe, supportive environment where individuals feel heard. Whether you’re a teacher or a manager, developing a level of trust is crucial.

2. Focusing

Identify and prioritize the key issues from the individual’s perspective. This process involves honing in on specific areas that might require change.

3. Evoking

Encourage the expression of the individual’s own reasons for change. This involves listening for “change talk vs. sustain talk,” which hints at the person’s motivation to alter their behavior.

4. Planning

Once the person is ready, collaboratively develop a detailed, actionable plan to guide them toward their goals.

Change Talk vs Sustain Talk in Motivational Interviewing

I think one of the most powerful lessons in MI is to be listening for how someone is talking about a possible change. For example, if someone is saying: “I should probably quit smoking,” you know that they have probably spent some time thinking about this decision, want to make that choice, and maybe just need some extra push towards it. We would call this “change talk.”

Another thing to listen to is “sustain talk”: this is when someone is talking about or using language that argues for keeping the status quo.

Examples of Sustain Talk

Sustain talk signals that perhaps the person isn’t ready for change quite yet. They might say things like:

• “I’ve tried ____ before and it didn’t work for me.”
• “I’m not sure I’m ready for that.”
• “Smoking helps me relax.”
• “Drinking is the main way I have fun.”
• “I don’t think my exercise habits need to change.”
• “I don’t think things are bad enough.”

Examples of Change Talk

Change talk shows us that this person is further along in the “stages of change.” They’re either thinking about making changes in their life or making plans to do it eventually.

• “I want to be healthier.”
• “I’ve thought about _____.”
• “I really wish I could feel less _____.”
• “I need to quit _____.”
• “I should probably ____ less.”
• “If I were home more, I would probably have a better relationship with my partner.”
• “It’s important to be to be a role model for my kids.”
• “I am trying to drink less this week.”

So where do you go from here? You elicit and explore that change talk, and OARS is a great acronym of tools to help you get started.

OARS: A Toolkit for Motivational Dialogue

The acronym OARS represents four core communication skills in Motivational Interviewing:

Using open-ended questions in MI

These types of questions move beyond simple “yes” or “no” answers. These questions encourage get people thinking and encourage them to share more.

Instead of asking something like, “Do you want to quit smoking?” (which just gets you a yes or no), you could ask, “What’s been on your mind about quitting smoking?” This kind of question encourages someone to think and talk about their feelings, motivations, and goals. It’s amazing how much insight you can gain just by asking the right kind of question.

Using Affirmations in MI

Affirmations are little gems of encouragement. They’re about pointing out someone’s strengths or acknowledging their progress or efforts, and they can go a long way in boosting confidence.  As Dr. Polley says, “Part of the process of making change is a person has to believe in their ability to do things.”

Examples of an affirmations is: “You’ve been honest about your struggles, and that kind of self-awareness is an important step forward.”

Using Reflections in MI

Reflective listening involves mirroring back what you’ve heard. It’s about letting them know you’re really listening and that you understand where they’re coming from. For instance, if someone says, “I want to exercise more, but I just don’t have time,” you might respond with, “Sounds like you’re feeling torn—you care about your health, but your schedule feels overwhelming.” This helps people feel heard and often gets them to dig a little deeper into their own

Using Summaries in MI

Summaries are a way to pull everything together and show someone the bigger picture.  They helps consolidate what’s been discussed, reinforcing the change talk, and letting the person see their own words reflected back. Dr. Polley describes it like picking a bouquet of flowers:

“Think of a summary as though you’re walking through a wildflower garden and you’re going to build a bouquet. You walk through and keep your eye out for flowers that you think are pretty, for the colors that you like, for the vibe of the bouquet that you’re trying to go for. You don’t just, like, grab up all the flowers and then hand them to the person, right?

You’re careful, you’re deliberate about what you’re choosing. And then you’re creating this beautiful bouquet to give back to the person… The idea being that you’re emphasizing change talk in your summary.”

Example: You might say, “So, there are a lot of things you like about smoking marijuana. You’re having more issues with focusing and you’re wondering if your ADHD medication is interacting with the marijuana or if your ADHD is getting worse, and you’ve recognized it negatively impacts your relationship with your mom.”

Dr. Polley also highlights that it’s key to put the “sustain talk” at the beginning of the summary and end with the “change talk.” People naturally respond to what was said last, so it either evokes more change talk or helps explore the ambivalence.

Motivational Interviewing Basics Video and Examples:

Applying Motivational Interviewing in the “Real World”

For the non-therapist, MI can be an empowering way to guide discussions about personal growth. Here are a few ways MI principles might be integrated into everyday roles:

Managers

Engaging employees in career planning, talking about goals and barriers.

Parents

Using MI to guide teens through difficult decisions, offering them a safe space to express doubts and explore solutions.

Educators

Applying MI to support students in setting priorities and building confidence in their academic pursuits.

Dieticians

Using MI to help patients make dietary or nutritional changes.

Doctors

Discussing decisions healthcare changes like smoking cessation or addressing chronic issues.

Nurses

Supporting patients in exploring their health goals and fostering motivation for positive behavior changes, like for medication adherence or lifestyle improvements.

Motivational Interviewing allows anyone to help others navigate challenges with empathy and collaboration. By focusing on listening, understanding, and guiding rather than just telling someone what to do, MI empowers others make positive changes in their lives.

PS. Motivational interviewing is also a helpful tool for your marriage or in-law relationships too.

Anyone Can Do Motivational Interviewing

Motivational Interviewing may appear complicated at first glance, but its core principles are actually simple and useful. By focusing on partnership, active listening, and the OARS tools, MI creates an effective framework for change (while not taking away the person’s autonomy) Whether in the workplace, at school, or at home with your kids, employing motivational interviewing techniques can lead to more productive interactions. If you haven’t listened to the full podcast episode on MI, I recommend you start there, but then check out MI role play videos on YouTube—I find those to be a helpful way to see it in action and to learn more.

Are you struggling with some big life changes or decisions? Find a therapist at Ellie that specializes in Motivational Interviewing.

The post Motivational Interviewing: A Guide for Anyone appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.

Depression can be sneaky, showing up as more than just the blues. You might be noticing changes in sleep, eating habits, and even their interest in things they used to love.

But don’t worry, you don’t need a psychology degree to help (although encouraging them to seek therapy is going to be helpful for them too). Just being there, offering a non-judgmental ear, and knowing when to nudge them towards professional help can make all the difference. So, grab a coffee, get comfy, and let’s chat about how to be the best damn friend you can be.

How to Tell if Your Friend is Depressed

Have you had concerns about your friend’s mental health recently? Maybe they haven’t been acting like themselves recently or they seem more down or hopeless than usual. It can feel odd when they seem out of sorts, but it’s super helpful to familiarize yourself with the signs of depression and learn how to provide support if your friend is going through a tough time.

Signs Your Friend is Depressed

• Feeling Sad: They may appear down, sad, and tearful, finding less joy in activities that used to bring them happiness.
• Hopelessness: They could express feelings of emptiness, feeling worthless, or feeling stuck. They might say things like, “I feel lost in life” or “I feel stuck in life.”
• Sleep Troubles: They may be sleeping more than usual, oversleeping, or having difficulty sleeping.
• Physical Complaints: They may report headaches, pains, or digestive issues.
• Irritability: They might exhibit more irritability than usual, like being quick to snap at you.
• Self-Esteem: They may exhibit low self-esteem or engage in more reckless behavior. You might hear them say things like, “I feel like no one likes me” or “I feel broken.”
• Trouble Focusing: They might appear distracted or restless, or talking about finding it hard to concentrate on tasks.

If you are worried about your friend’s mental health, it can be helpful to say something to them and offer support. It might feel awkward to bring it up, but it can make a huge difference.

Questions to Ask a Person with Depression

If you are noticing some of these signs, you might feel compelled to say something or reach out. First step is to point out what you’re noticing and share your concern:

• “Hey, you haven’t really been seeming like yourself recently. I’m here if you need to talk.”
• “I’ve noticed that you haven’t been hanging out with people as much as usual, are you feeling ok?”
• “You mentioned you haven’t been sleeping much, is everything ok?”
• “I’ve been worried about you recently. How are you doing?”
• “I haven’t seen you around much, how are you holding up?”

For more information on how to start the conversation and express your concerns, visit our blog post on how to start a conversation about mental health to discover how you can express your concerns in a loving, supportive and non-confrontational manner.

Things NOT to Say to a Depressed Person

You might feel the urge to say things like “get over it” or “”You have nothing to be sad about.” If you’re supporting a loved one dealing with depression (which seems to be the case since you’re here), here are some phrases to avoid:

• “Just try to think positively”
• “Wow you finally got out of bed.”
• “You have it a lot better off than others”
• “Medication will only be a crutch, you need to get through this on your own”
• “I started drinking tea and it cured my depression”
• “Why can’t you just get better?”

What to Say to a Depressed Friend

Ok, obviously if we’re going to talk about what NOT to say to a friend struggling with depression, we’re going to share what to say instead. There’s nothing you can say that will cure your friend’s depression, but here are some things that our therapists recommend saying:

• “I’m here no matter what.”
• “You aren’t alone in this.”
• “It’s ok to cry and feel sad.”
• “I’m just here to listen.”
• “I’m coming by with groceries.”
• “Want to go for a walk with me?”
• “Do you want to talk about it?”
• “I know things are hard right now, but you’ll get through this.”
• “I love you.”

How to Support Someone with Depression

There are lots of ways that you can show up for your friend when they are struggling, but not sure how to help? First of all, kudos to you for wanting to be there for them!

It’s a big deal, and sometimes just showing up is half the battle. Here are some tips to keep in mind:

1. Just Listen, Don’t Try to Fix: It’s tempting to play the hero and try to solve all their problems, but sometimes all your friend needs is someone to vent to. Let them talk, cry, or even just sit in silence. Your job isn’t to fix them; it’s to be there with them. Think of it like being a co-pilot. You’re there to support, not take control of the flight.
2. Check-In, But Don’t Hover: You want to keep in touch, but don’t be a helicopter friend. A simple “Hey, thinking about you. How’re you holding up?” can do wonders. It shows you care without being overbearing. If they don’t respond right away, don’t sweat it. They’ll reach out when they’re ready.
3. Encourage Professional Help: Look, you’re awesome, but you’re not a therapist (unless you are, in which case, kudos again!). Gently suggest that they talk to a mental health professional. It’s not about pushing them, but more about opening the door for them to consider it. You could say something like, “Hey, have you thought about talking to someone who’s really good at this stuff?”
4. Be There For the Little Things: Sometimes, depression makes even the smallest tasks feel monumental. Offer to help with groceries, or just hang out and watch their favorite show. Little gestures can mean a lot and can help break up the isolation they might be feeling.
5. Take Care of Yourself Too: Supporting a friend can be emotionally draining. Make sure you’re also taking care of your own mental health. It’s like the airplane oxygen mask rule: put on your own mask before assisting others. You can’t pour from an empty cup, you know?

Remember, you don’t have to have all the answers. Just being there, showing empathy, and offering a shoulder to lean on can be a lifeline for someone struggling with depression. You got this, and so does your friend.

Get matched with the perfect therapist for your needs at Ellie Mental Health using the link below.

Navigating Depression Together

Remember, you don’t have to have it all figured out and say all of the perfect things all of the time. The most important thing you can do to help someone with depression is to be present, be supportive, be empathetic, and take care of yourself too. Your friendship and support is crucial!

The post How to Help and Support a Friend with Depression appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.

I get it, you might be shocked. But keep in mind that your first response is crucial. We have all had that moment where we step out in a new outfit and someone we know hesitates before they say they love it. Or maybe they say that they don’t approve of your taste. 

Similarly, your loved one that is coming out will forever remember how you made them feel in that moment. It is important, of course, to feel your feelings, but in that moment your priority is to support this person.

If you are thinking of coming out to a loved one, check out this article with tips.

First Steps When a Loved One Comes Out to You

Start by creating a judgment free zone. To do this, it might help to put yourself in your loved one’s shoes: They might be feeling scared and vulnerable. While I’m glad that they felt safe enough to tell you their identity, they might not feel very supported or safe if their news was met with tears, confusion, and demanding questions. Additionally, creating a judgment free zone also calls for putting your own biases on the back-burner: you can recognize that this might take some getting used or that this might be hard for you at first, but feeding into these biases or negative feelings can create distance between you and your loved one.

The exception: happy tears. Happy tears are totally welcomed. If you know your loved one has been struggling with their identity for a while and finally felt free enough to tell you, you are allowed to cry with them and hug them (if they want). Some things that a loved one might enjoy to hear you say are:

• Thank you for feeling safe telling me this
• I love you then and now
• I am so proud of you
• Nothing will ever change the way I feel about you

You may have a lot of questions and that is completely understandable. I recommend asking them at a different time; you want this moment to be a memorable one in a positive way. Bottomline: the best way to support your LGBTQIA+ family member or friend is to be an ally.

What Does it Mean to be an Ally?

To be an ally of the LGBTQIA+ community means to be aware and educated of what is going on with the community. An ally is a crucial role. This allows to bring awareness and change to the problems affecting the LGBTQ+ community at large. Here are some tips for how to be a great ally to your loved ones:

• Become educated (learn terms, historical people, etc.)
• Be an active listener and create a judgement free zone (this also means respecting their boundaries when they need space)
• Be aware of current legislation (What is going on in your city or state?) and challenge LGBTQIA+ discrimination and prejudice. If you are not a member of the LGBTQIA+ community yourself, you can use your privilege to combat homophobia.

Safe Questions to Ask LGBTQIA+ Members

At stated previously, asking questions should be reserved to a time after the initial coming out. It was probably really hard for them to be honest and vulnerable. Give them a breather before you start asking all the questions. Allow them time for their fight or flight instinct to relax so that they can answer your questions in a more relaxed state.

That being said, it may be a little uncomfortable to ask questions after the fact. A great buffer would be: “Do you feel comfortable if I ask some questions related to your identity?” If they say no, respect their boundary and ask “When would be a good time for me to talk to you about these things?” If they respond yes, here is a list of questions that may be beneficial to ask (this also depends on the identity that they came out to you as):

• What are your preferred pronouns?
• What name would you like to go by?
• Would you like for me to refer to individuals you date as partner or boyfriend/girlfriend?
• How would you like for me to identify you through past memories?
• Is there anything I can do to make the rest of the family/friends aware?
• Is there anything additional I can do to make you feel safe?
• Is there something that I need to research to feel more educated?

This list is extremely small but a great starting point for conversation. The last bullet point is extremely important: your loved one may feel like it is not their job to educate you on their identity, so it is important to ask if there’s something specific that you need to research in order for them to feel seen and for you to understand them. Additionally, your loved one might not have all of the answers to these questions, and that’s also okay! Allow them time to figure things out, even if that may take a long while. Bottomline: let them know that no matter when they figure out the answer to these questions that you are ready to listen.

We are human and make mistakes… so what happens if I do?

During that initial coming out period is the most crucial to be supportive and understanding. However, it is also important that how you respond then is how you continue to respond. The questions listed above creates a foundation of what your loved one would prefer you to do going forward. It is totally human to forget or to make mistakes, but how you recover from those mistakes means the world.

If you call someone by their deadname (AKA the name that they previously went by) correct yourself immediately and try not to apologize. Again, it is human when a mistake is made to apologize, however keep in mind that if you apologize, you are prompting your loved one to say “It’s okay” when it’s really not.  It’s best to correct yourself with the least amount of attention to make your loved one feel seen.

I often find that parents struggle the most with these changes because they are “mourning their child” or something along those lines. Keep in mind that your child isn’t going anywhere. They are still the amazing, beautiful human that they have always been—but perhaps with an added layer. Remember, this time is not about you. If you are struggling with the identity of your child, Ellie Mental Health offers a variety of resources and therapists available for you to help navigate these feelings, because they are valid, but your loved one does not deserve to comfort you at an extremely vulnerable time in their life.

The rule of thumb is treating your loved one the same way that you treated them before. Again, taking into consideration any changes that they requested. However, you do not need to shower them with rainbow gifts (unless that’s what they want of course). They just want to be treated the same way, but with their new identity.

In Summary…

This advice above is simple, yet often overlooked by so many caregivers and friends of the LGBTQ+ community. So many of us have to find our own families outside of our blood-related ones because of the lack of support of identities. We are still your child. We are still your friend. The lack of support also leads to increased rates of suicide for the LGBTQ+ community. Please do your research and educate yourself on how to assist your loved one. You are an important person in their life and your support could be life-saving.

The post How Should I Respond if Someone Comes out to me as LGBTQIA+? appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.

Every relationship has its challenges. After all, we’re all human and sometimes it feels as if we like to torment each other just for fun. But when it comes to psychological abuse, this is much more serious than the typical relationship obstacles, like arguing over who left an empty carton of ice cream in the freezer.

It’s difficult to spot someone in the act of gaslighting. But unless you want to be questioning your own sanity, learning the key phrases that may be used can help you to regain confidence in yourself and know when you’re being gaslit.

Have you been gaslit? Reach out to Ellie Mental Health and talk to a professional today.

What Is Gaslighting?

In a nutshell, gaslighting is an act of manipulation in which a person attempts to cause you to doubt yourself or cause confusion, often done for malicious personal gain. But the term itself stems from a 1944 film titled Gaslight, in which a woman’s husband attempts to make his wife think she’s losing her mind so he can steal from her by making the gaslights dim – then claiming it was all in her head. Thus today, we have the term gaslighting.

How to Identify Gaslighting: 5 Signs You’re Being Gaslit

If you feel like you’re constantly second-guessing yourself or questioning your reality, you might be experiencing gaslighting. Gaslighting is when someone manipulates you into doubting your own thoughts and feelings, making you feel like you’re losing it. So how do you identify it? Here are the main ways:

• Questioning if you really meant what you said.
• Questioning your motives.
• Questioning your love for someone.
• Questioning your ability to perform simple tasks.
• Questioning reality.

The problem with gaslighting is that if an abuser is savvy enough, you may never know you’re being misdirected. And this verbal sleight-of-hand can be quite convincing if you don’t know what to listen for.

Thankfully, we’re on to these “gaslighters.” They can’t hide forever! And, for the gaslit, we have a few key phrases to discuss that can be helpful indicators for when someone is attempting to pull the wool over your eyes.

For more tips on spotting the signs of a toxic friend, check out our other blog.

Examples of Gaslighting Behavior

Gaslighting is like a mind game where the manipulator messes with your head, leaving you second-guessing your reality. Need some help identifying gaslighting in your own relationships? Here are some common gaslighting behaviors:   

• They play the denial card, brushing off hurtful words or labeling you as hypersensitive.
• They don’t take responsibility and act like you’re to blame. 
• They twist facts, leaving you in a fog of confusion and self-doubt.
• They often downplay your feelings, invalidate you, and make you feel like you’re not important.
• They say things that make you question if something really happened or if your memories are true.

When you spot those actions, you have the opportunity to call them out and set boundaries to protect your mental well-being. By identifying gaslighting, you’re not only standing up for yourself but also creating healthier, more honest connections with the people around you. And that’s something we all deserve.

10 Common Gaslighting Phrases To Listen For

The language used for gaslighting is so common that it’s barely even noticed most of the time. And this subtle touch is what makes it so effective. For example, are you sure you meant what you said yesterday?

It’s this type of sneaky question that will instantly have you replaying events in your mind and questioning your intentions. Unfortunately, it gets even more complicated.

1. “It Was Just a Joke.“

Perhaps the most common gaslighting phrase, “it was just a joke” often occurs when a person says something actually mean, cruel, or hurtful. But this is also sometimes ambiguous. For example, consider the following:

“Why do you always do that? I swear you never made it through kindergarten.”

A phrase such as this could be taken as a joke, but it is also hurtful because it’s directly insulting your intelligence. And when you stand up to defend yourself, an abuser may claim it’s just a joke. But more commonly, they’ll attempt to make you think that they never said it at all. But don’t be fooled!

2. “You’re Just Being Paranoid.”

Another common phrase, accusing you of being paranoid is often a tactic used by someone who is being unfaithful, or by someone trying to make you feel at ease so they can proceed with their agenda. For example, if you ask why they came home so late, they may insist they came home at the usual time. If you ask why they never called to say they were going out, they may claim they called but you must have missed it

Additionally, this may also be accompanied by a subtle accusation such as: “You were gone for two hours the other day and I never questioned you about it. Should I start?”

The key takeaway here is if you have a gut feeling that something is wrong, do a bit of investigating first, find some evidence, and catch the gaslighter in the act.

3. “Do You Really Think I’d Make That Up?”

Anytime a sentence begins with “Do you really think…” it’s usually a clear indication of a gaslighting attempt. This is also an obvious attempt at making you question yourself, and your feelings about the person as well.

This type of question is defensive and is often used when an individual is accused of something, typically lying or embellishing. Essentially, this falls right in line with making you question your own reality and it’s a direct manipulation of your own understanding of trust. In addition, a question such as this can also make you feel guilty about even questioning them in the first place.

4. “You Hurt Me on Purpose.”

Have you ever had an honest mistake thrown in your face? Like that time when you forgot your friend’s birthday, but your friend won’t accept that you forgot and, instead, insists you did it on purpose – and then proceeds to tell you why you did it? This is another classic example of gaslighting.

In this situation, the other person is attempting to tell you why you did something – and your motivations behind it – instead of accepting your personal account of your own behavior.

The fact is, nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. So, don’t get distracted or cause yourself more grief. Remember it’s about them, not you. So, stick to your guns and stand firm.

5. “We’ve Already Talked About This – I Can’t Believe You Don’t Remember.”

Another classic attempt at making you pause and question your memory. Did we really have this conversation? A question like this can weigh heavily on the mind.

When you begin rethinking past scenarios, this causes you to pause and lose focus of what you were upset about, doubt your own memory, and it may even make you drop the conversation altogether – and this is exactly the goal.

6. “Why Do You Always Have to Be Right?”

Everyone likes being right for the most part. Weren’t you so happy when you just knew who the new Bachelorette was and then found out you were right? Sighhh. But this statement is weaponized with projection. No matter what the conversation was about, this is a classic attempt at placing the focus on you instead of them.

When you hear this phrase, take a minute to pause and redirect. Chances are, they’ll try again to place the focus on you. And this is when you know you’re being gaslit.

7. “I’m Not the Only One. All Your Friends Think You’re Crazy Too.”

When it comes to gaslighting, making you feel isolated, alone, or powerless is a key tactic in attempting to make you question yourself. They may even say something like, “All of your friends know about you, too.” Or something similar. And this can be a hard statement to recover from because it instantly makes you question yourself and everyone around you, even your closest friends.

If this occurs, get the truth from your closest friends. Then you’ll know whether or not you’re being gaslit.

8. “You’re Crazy. That Never Happened.”

One of the most classic forms of gaslighting is pretending that something never happened, that whatever you thought occurred was all in your imagination. And they may even say something like, “You’ve always had a great imagination.” Or a similar variation.

If you come to the point when you’re hearing this statement often, chances are you’re being gaslit. And remember, facts trump false statements, so it’s always smart to think about key details when recalling a situation.

9. “You Know That’s Not What I Meant.”

Chances are, that’s exactly what they meant. They’re just trying to avoid taking responsibility for their words or the truth of their intentions. – and make you think that they meant something else entirely.

For example, if someone says, “You’re ridiculous.” That can probably be taken with a grain of salt. But if the statement is something like, “You’re always the problem.” And then they switch gears on you and try to tell you what you should think, or that they meant something else, hit the brakes, and make them get out of the car. Because this is a sure sign of gaslighting.

10. “If You Really Cared About Me, You Wouldn’t Even Think That.”

Using your own love against you is no way for a healthy relationship to operate. And this isn’t just a tell-tale sign of gaslighting, it’s a major red flag. Actually, a giant waving red flag – like the biggest red flag ever.

This attempt is simply to get you to think that you can’t even trust yourself, that you’re the one with ill intentions. And when you start second-guessing your love for someone, this becomes a slippery slope and may even result in damaging your other relationships.

Keeping the Lamp Lit

Though you may be keenly aware that something is just not right, if every time you raise a question and the other person tries to place the focus on you, this is a sure sign that you’re being gaslit – and that the person you’re with is manipulating you in order to get something they want or to keep something hidden.

How to Respond  to Being Gaslit

If you feel you’re being gaslit, choosing how to respond should be done carefully and thoughtfully. And if you’re unsure, there are a few things you can try to keep the lamp lit and not second guess yourself:

• Speak to others about what’s happening
• Don’t argue
• Trust yourself
• Focus on actions – not words
• Separate yourself from the abuse

If you can’t remove yourself from the toxic friendship or relationship, or if you have and you need help coping, treatment and therapy from compassionate mental health experts may be the next best step in helping you to keep the lamp lit and move on from this type of abuse. And always remember, you’re amazing – trust us, we know, and you don’t have to deal with it alone.

Need help with overcoming abuse from gaslighting? Reach out to Ellie Mental Health and talk to a professional today.

The post How to Recognize Gaslighting: 10 Key Phrases to Listen For appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.

Mental Health Concerns and Warning Signs

Have you had recent concerns about a loved one’s mental health? Maybe you’ve noticed that they haven’t been acting like themselves, or they have been more isolated recently. It can be helpful to educate yourself about some of the warning signs that they are struggling with their mental health:

• Missing work or social events
• Sleeping or eating too much or too little
• Increased anger or irritability
• Not leaving home as much as usual
• Increased drug or alcohol use
• Decrease in self-care or neglecting personal hygiene
• Mental health can even affect physical health and cause pain or illness

Every person is different, but if you are noticing some of these signs, you might feel compelled to say something or reach out. It can be difficult to know how to even start the conversation about mental health. In many families and communities, there is still a stigma associated with mental illness or reaching out for help. Consequently, it can be difficult to know what to say, but you don’t have to be an expert, or therapist, or a trained professional to have a conversation with someone about their mental health. The best thing you can do is reassure them that you are there for them and that you care about them. If you want to do more, but aren’t sure where to start, here are a few suggestions.

If you or someone you know is struggling with their mental health, don’t hesitate to reach out! Schedule an appointment at one of our clinics nationwide today.

5 Tips for Talking to Someone About Their Mental Health

1. Express your concerns in a loving, supportive and non-confrontational manner. Your loved one may be experiencing feelings of shame, guilt, or embarrassment, so it is essential to be gentle and supportive.
2. Focus on the specific signs & symptoms that cause you to be concerned (i.e. “I’ve noticed that you aren’t leaving the house as much as usual” or “You mentioned you’re not sleeping much, is everything ok?”)
3. Remember to use “I” or “I feel” statements instead of using accusatory “you” statements and avoid giving simple solutions (i.e. I feel worried when I don’t hear from you for long periods of time”, “I’ve been worried about you recently,” NOT: “If you’d just calm down then everything would be better”)
4. Normalize it (i.e. “It’s normal to feel this way when that happens” or “A lot of people feel hopeless this time of year”)
5. Avoid Judgment and Criticism: Avoid using language that could be interpreted as critical or dismissive, since that could cause more harm (i.e. “You’re being too sensitive,” “You need to toughen up,” or “Just snap out of it.”).

Offering support can look different depending on the person and your relationship. For example, if you are looking to have a more specific conversation with your child about mental health, you might need to make small tweaks depending on their openness to the subject or even to account for age-appropriateness. For some people, just talking about their mental health struggles can be helpful. For others, they might need a little more help around the house, with their kids, or finding a therapist or medication provider (for someone that is struggling with their mental health, it’s often overwhelming or difficult to know where to start when seeking out mental health care!). Offering a variety of different support options is a good way to start.

Mental Health Questions for Discussion: Conversation Starters

We get it- talking about mental health can be awkward. But it doesn’t have to be and we want to help you navigate those important conversations with your loved ones! In this section, you’ll find conversation starters and example dialogues to make discussing mental health feel a little less daunting and a lot more natural. Because caring for someone’s well-being shouldn’t be complicated.

Examples of mental health conversation starters include:

• “I’ve noticed that you haven’t been acting like yourself recently, is everything ok?”
• “You mentioned that you haven’t been leaving the house a lot this week– are you feeling ok?”
• “This time of year is really hard for me sometimes, how have you been coping with things?” 
• “It sounds like work has been really overwhelming, how are you holding up?”
• “Politics can be really mentally exhausting, has it been this way for you?”
• “I’ve been worried about how you’re balancing all of these changes– are you doing ok?”

Examples of Conversations About Mental Health

Still not sure how to approach things? Here’s an example conversation that might help you navigate some different scenarios or responses.

Start the conversation by pointing out your observation without any judgment: “Hey, I haven’t heard from you in awhile and I know things have been difficult recently. How have you been doing?”

If your loved one seems hesitant to answer or if they say something like, “Oh I don’t want to bother you with my problems,” Then you might respond with reassurance: “I care about you so I’m here to support and help you however I can.” 

If they continue to brush things off, say something like, “Well I’m here to talk whenever you need a listening ear.”

If they do decide to open up about how things have truly been, it’s important to listen with empathy and not just jump into problem-solving-mode. Don’t just try to fix things– usually what people really need is just someone to be present. If they say: “Yeah, I’ve feel like I’ve just been in this funk recently. I’ve been crying for no reason and not had the energy to get out of bed,” then you could respond something like, “It’s normal to feel this way sometimes. I’m sorry you’re going through that.” 

As a therapist in situations like this, sometimes I like to use a question skill called “exception questions.” This is when you ask about when they’re struggle has been present and try to tease out what might have been different at those times: “When was the last time you felt better?” or “Tell me about the last good day you had.” Then a follow up question might be, “What was different then?” 

Encourage professional help: You could say something like, “Hey, have you thought about talking to someone who can really help?” or “I have found talking about this stuff with my therapist about this to be really helpful.”

Maybe you’re concerned, but you’re uncomfortable reaching out in person? Here’s an example of a text conversation you could have if you’re concerned about a loved one’s mental health: 

Start the conversation off with what you’re noticing:  “Hey! I’ve been thinking about you and have noticed you’ve missed a lot of classes recently. How are you doing?” (It can be helpful to ask an open-ended question that prompts more than just a yes or no response)

If they respond that they’ve been busy or haven’t been doing well, try to normalize things or ask more questions: “It’s totally normal to feel overwhelmed this time of year. How are you holding up?” 

If they open up and share that they’ve been struggling, try not to just jump into offering solutions, but instead offer support: “I’m sorry things have been tough recently. Would it help if I called and just listened?” Sometimes a listening ear is exactly what a friend needs when they’re struggling.

If you’ve been through a similar struggle or had a positive experience with therapy or medication, it might be helpful to share that: “When I’m feeling down or overwhelmed, talking to a therapist might be helpful.”

If they just became a parent, try suggesting counseling for new parents.

Ok, but maybe you’re thinking, “What if the person I’m concerned about is an employee or peer at work? Can I ask them about their mental health?” Here’s a handy-dandy downloadable for you to reference.

Talking About Suicide

One of our therapists and suicidologists at Ellie, Dr. Brittany Miskowiec says, “one of the most common myths about suicide is that talking about it will put the idea in someone’s head.” But that’s not true. For many, being asked about suicide and how they’re doing can give them some relief to actually talk about things. If you are concerned that a loved one might be contemplating suicide, read our blog post about how to talk to others about suicide.

Of course, if you’re talking to someone with thoughts of suicide, you, or the person with thoughts of suicide can call or text 988, the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

Finding Support for Yourself

It’s not easy to see a loved one struggle, and sometimes we get so caught up in helping them that we forget to care for ourselves. Remind yourself that you can care about another person, be a support for them, and offer help when you can, but ultimately, you can’t make someone get help. It’s also important to make sure you aren’t sacrificing your own mental health in an effort to help someone else with theirs.  It’s always a good idea to check in with a therapist if you find yourself needing some extra support or joining a support group through NAMI.

Having a conversation with a loved one about mental health can be challenging, but it is necessary to provide support and guidance. By following these tips and having the bravery to reach out, you are decreasing the stigma around mental health and showing your loved one that you care. Remember that mental health is a journey, and it is important to be patient, supportive, and understanding.

The post How to Start a Conversation About Mental Health appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.

Toxic friendships can cause damage that can take years to recover from. The worst part is the red flags might be everywhere, even waving right in your face. But unless you know the signs of a toxic friendship, you may find yourself trapped in one without realizing it.

While no friendship will be all unicorns and rainbows, it’s important to recognize the signs of a toxic friendship so that you can GTFO before it causes too much damage.

Do you think you’re involved in a toxic friendship, and you need help getting out? Contact the experts at Ellie Mental Health for support today.

What Is a Toxic Friendship?

A toxic friendship is one where compassion is missing – where the feeling of togetherness and common ground has been lost. And if you’re really wondering if you’re in a toxic friendship despite that red flag hanging right in front of you, ask yourself these questions:

• Do you find yourself doing everything for someone and getting ghosted when you need a favor?
• Do you find that it might even be dangerous to disagree at times?
• Do you no longer immediately respond to texts and calls, or avoid them altogether?
• Is the thought of hanging out with your friend exhausting in itself?
• Does communicating with your friend cause you anxiety?
• Have you been making excuses not to hang out with them?

If you answered yes to any of the questions above, then chances are your friendship has become toxic and it’s time to do something about it.

Toxic friendships are full of these tell-tale signs along with many others. In fact, these one-sided friendships are often more take than give, but sometimes the signs can be much more subtle and hidden.

Toxic Friendship Signs

Let’s be honest here. All of us have our own odd quirks and idiosyncrasies, and so do all our friends. Maybe you like dipping your pizza in oatmeal. Gross. But these are the things that make us unique and act as attractors when we set out to build healthy relationships. Yes – even the oatmeal part.

The truth is a toxic friend has more than just the occasional odd quirk. Sure, we all have bad days from time to time, but a toxic friend has an uncanny way of making your day turn out bad all too often – even if it began beautifully.

Toxic friends also tend to have narcissistic traits as well. Think about it like this. Do they always try to come off as the hero – or the victim? And do they rarely (if ever) admit fault? You may even be dealing with a toxic narcissist – a toxicist!

Beyond this, consider if your friend has the following traits:

• They’re Threatened by Your Other Friends
• They Always Know What’s Best for You
• They Demonstrate a Lack of Respect
• They Have Reliability Issues
• They Bring You Down with Negativity
• They Instigate Drama Between Others
• They’re Too Self-Centered
• They Lack Boundaries
• They’re No Longer Fun to Be Around

They’re Threatened by Your Other Friends

We all have the freedom and the right to have as many friendships as we choose. And we have the right to give our time to whomever we please. After all, it’s your life, right? But a toxic friend may attempt to get in between you and your other friends.

Toxic friends want to steal the spotlight and hoard all your attention. And if you’ve caught backlash from your friend when you haven’t made yourself available, and they begin badmouthing your other friends, it’s probably time to tell them to kick rocks and focus on the positive relationships in your life.

They Always Know What’s Best for You

It’s nice to get advice from time to time. And often, we need advice from others to help us overcome obstacles in life. But if you have a friend who’s always telling you what you should do and downplaying your decisions, then you may want to hit the mute button on your friend and listen to your own advice.

Toxic friends may hear you out, but then they’ll turn around and tell you that you’re foolish for not doing things their way. But the point is they fail to remember that you’re you, and you have the right to do things your own way.

They Demonstrate a Lack of Respect

Friendship without respect? That’s like a pizza without cheese—completely pointless and kinda sad. When respect goes MIA, things can get toxic real quick. You might start feeling like your opinions don’t matter, or that your boundaries are just being disregarded, which can take a toll on your mental health. 

You deserve friends that lift you up, not drag you down. Healthy friendships are built on mutual respect, where both parties feel heard, valued, and supported. So, if you’re noticing that lack of respect creeping in, it might be time to have a heart-to-heart or, in some cases, hit the unfriend button.

They Have Reliability Issues

We have all had that friend that says they’ll be there, but then disappears when you need them. Then you start wondering pretty quickly if you can really count on them, and– let’s be real– nobody’s got time for that kind of drama. Trust is the foundation of any solid friendship, and when that’s shaky, the whole thing can crumble faster than a Jenga tower on a wobbly table.

They Bring You Down with Negativity

When you’ve had a day that makes you wanna scream into a pillow, unloading on a friend can be cathartic as hell. It’s normal and even healthy to share your frustrations; it’s how we bond and feel less alone in this chaotic world. But—and here’s the kicker—too much venting can turn into a never-ending cycle of negativity. Constant complaining can drag both you and your friend into a pit of pessimism. Balance is key, people! Share your woes, but also make room for the good stuff.

They Instigate Drama Between Others

It might seem harmless at first, maybe even a bit entertaining, but the fallout can be brutal. And let’s be real, nobody needs MORE drama in their life. If you’re constantly feeling in the middle of the drama they’re starting with others, it might be time to re-evaluate the friendship.

They’re Too Self-Centered

You ever get that feeling where your friend’s just a bit too into themselves? Like, every time you hang out, it’s all about them, their drama, their wins, their everything? Yeah, that might be your gut telling you this friendship isn’t the best fit. Friendships are supposed to be a two-way street, with give and take, listening and sharing. You deserve to have friends that want to talk about you too!

They Lack Boundaries

Without clear boundaries in a friendship, it’s easy for misunderstanding and resentment to sneak in. A friendship that used to be fun to be around might turn sour or feel suffocating. Suddenly, you’re saying yes to things you hate and feeling drained after every hangout. It’s not about being a jerk; it’s about respecting yourself enough to say, “Hey, this is what I need.” Healthy boundaries are like the invisible fence that keeps the good vibes in and the drama out.

They’re No Longer Fun to Be Around

This is probably the most obvious part of a toxic friendship. And while we all go through our bad hair days and moments of temporary insanity, a toxic friend will show their true character eventually and the slump will never end – like a bad hair year.

Toxic friends also have a way of charming you when they need to. But this charm typically fades over time. And if you find yourself exhausted after an outing, after a phone call, or wanting to flush your phone down the toilet whenever you see a text, then it’s time to GTFO before your life becomes a total nightmare.

How Toxic Friends Affect Your Mental Health

It can be exhausting to deal with a toxic friendship, and you might realize pretty quickly that it can have a big effect on your mental health too. Some signs that your mental health is suffering might include:

• Loss of Confidence
• Self Questioning and Doubt
• Thoughts of Distrust
• Desire to Isolate
• Anxiety, Fear, and Exhaustion

Loss of Confidence

We don’t need more reasons for our self esteem to take a hit! You deserve to surround yourself with friends that celebrate you and make you feel good about yourself. A toxic friend can leave you feeling down and comparing yourself to others.

Self Questioning and Doubt

We discussed how a toxic friend can leave us feeling bad about ourselves, and they can also cause us to question or doubt ourselves – this might be in the form of gaslighting. Curious how to spot gaslighting? Check out our other blog post on common gaslighting phrases.

Loving yourself is an important step in being able to combat these feelings of doubt. This guide provides self-love tips to better manage these feelings.

Thoughts of Distrust

A toxic friend’s behavior can seriously mess with our trust radar. When someone keeps spreading rumors or constantly flakes on plans, it’s like they’re waving a big red flag that says, “You can’t count on me.” This kind of behavior doesn’t just affect your relationship with them; it makes you second-guess everyone else too.

Desire to Isolate

A toxic friend might leave you feeling depleted and tired– which can lead you to isolating from others. This is your brain trying to give yourself a break. Keep in mind that healthy friends and a good social life are pretty important for our mental health– so prioritize the friends that leave you feeling good and ditch the ones that make you want to retreat.

Anxiety, Stress, and Exhaustion

I’m sure by now you can see how a toxic friendship can lead to isolation, second-guessing yourself, low self confidence, and distrust– all which can then lead to anxiety and stress. You deserve a friendship that doesn’t take so much out of you. Work on prioritizing friendships that lift you up or help you grow, and as a result you’ll be prioritizing your mental health.

For more helpful insights, check out our other blog on coping activities for stress and anxiety.

How To End a Toxic Friendship

Just like any relationship, severing a friendship can be a difficult process. After all, you’ve likely invested time and emotional energy into your friendship, and losing a friend never lands in the category of “good feels.” But if your friend is steadily breaking you down instead of helping to build you up, taking a break (or moving on entirely) is going to be a necessary step.

Step 1: Have a Talk

There’s a very real possibility that your friend isn’t aware of his or her toxic behavior. And as a good friend who genuinely cares, you should try to confront them about their actions and give them a chance to mend things before you sever ties completely. Tell them they’re being a drag. Let them know that they totally suck! If anything, airing it out will create space.

If after your talk nothing changes, then it’s time to move on to step 2.

Step 2: Take a Break From Them

Believe it or not, “ghosting” has become the preferred way to handle difficult situations when it comes to relationship problems. And even though this may seem juvenile, this is also a way to send a distinct message that you no longer have the time or the energy to deal with a toxic friendship – especially after you’ve told them that they suck.

Unfortunately, toxic friends are tragically stubborn and may not even realize they’re being ghosted. But eventually, those texts and calls will stop.

Step 3: Give It Time

You may feel like you’re missing a part of your life – and you are. But that part of your life was eating away at you and keeping you from living your best life. In fact, the more time you take to be by yourself and away from toxicity, the better you’ll eventually feel. Remember, you can always make new friends and seek out positive relationships, too – once you’re ready.

After You’ve Moved On

Moving on can be tough, but what should you do in order to fill the void? Should you head to the store and buy a bucket of ice cream? Do you go crazy on Amazon and order 100 pairs of pajamas because you’re never going to leave the house again? Should you cry it out while binge-watching all 10 seasons of Friends?

Chances are, all of those options will only make things even more depressing and toxic. So, here’s what you should do.

• Find support
• Get out of your comfort zone
• Try new activities
• Join groups
• Do what you love – and more of it!
• Focus on your new life and how better it is

Trying to find closure may be difficult at first, but it’s a necessary step when you remove someone from your life. And there are even a few things that you can try to help speed up the process.

First, you may consider writing a letter to your friend thanking them for their friendship over the years – or even sending a long text. Be sincere and as honest about your feelings as possible, and detail exactly why you chose to move on without them in your life. And the best part of this strategy is, you don’t have to mail the letter or send the text!

Sometimes, getting all your thoughts out is a way to purge those toxic feelings and emotions. And of course, you could mail the letter, but would you really want to waste the stamp?

You may also decide to turn the tables and begin doing all those things that your friend never wanted to do with you. In a sense, this little act of rebellion can be just the same as closing the door for good – affirming yourself that you’re in control of your own life.

Time To Make New Friends

Once you’ve had time to heal, it’s time to put yourself out there again and start building new friendships. And even though it may not be as easy to make friends as an adult as it was as a child, there are many paths you can take to making new friends and having positive, lasting relationships.

Focus on having positive experiences and doing what you love to do. Eventually, you’ll meet other like-minded people and become friends. And when you’re focusing on the moment, and on what you love, chances are you’ll naturally block out any toxicity that may come your way.

Remember, toxic relationships may masquerade as true friendships, but now that you know the signs, you’ll know how to spot a toxic friend and GTFO before it’s too late.

Need help severing ties with a toxic friend, or with moving on after you’ve said goodbye? Contact the experts at Ellie Mental Health for support today.

The post Toxic Friendship Signs and Tips to GTFO appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.

Is it Bad to Use Social Media for Connection?

Using social media too much can amplify anxiety and depression, and even make us feel lonelier and more disconnected. It can intensify our sense of isolation and separateness from others by tricking our minds into comparing ourselves to the idealized personas of our online “friends” in so many ways. 

We all know that it’s bad for us to spend too much time on “social” platforms, and in-person, face-to-face communication is categorically better and vital for our well-being—a literal necessity.

BUT let’s not forget that there are ways social media is HELPING us connect too. It can help us keep in touch with high school friends, wish an old coworker happy birthday, or share photos of big life milestones. These small acts to can make us feel connected even when geographically we’re not near.

Social Media and Mental Health

Let’s be clear—to say that social media is all “bad” for our mental health is an oversimplification. The term “social media” describes a variety of platforms, and some are more concerning than others. It also depends on your settings, who you’re friends with, what content you’re viewing, and how much time you spend on it. 

When used appropriately, it can be a powerful tool for connecting us to people we may otherwise not be able to engage with, and it can help us to communicate ideas and express ourselves and our beliefs to others in a way that we otherwise wouldn’t be able to do. Like most tools, it really depends on how we use it. A hammer can be used to build a house, or to break china. Social media’s not inherently good or bad. But if not used intentionally, it can really do a number on us.

Our nervous systems are designed to avoid threats to our safety. They work really well—sometimes too well. We weren’t built to respond to global pandemic or a 24-hour news cycle of bad news. Our nervous systems are meant to respond to immediate threats (in the moment), not ongoing, prolonged and abstract ones. Sometimes our nervous systems can get tricked into staying in the “on” position, leading to prolonged adrenaline and stress hormone releases. This causes serious anxiety, fatigue, hopelessness, sleep problems, and a host of other issues.

Noticing some of these issues in yourself? Maybe it’s time to talk to a therapist about it.

In an ideal world, stress is a helpful thing that gets us out of harm’s way, and then as soon as we’re safe, it shuts off. When you’re dealing with anxiety, we might be safe, but the nervous system still thinks there’s a threat!

Yes, that means that seeing too many social media posts about stressful things can make our brain think we’re in danger, even if we’re not actually in any danger. Additionally, seeing people engage in unproductive conflict and name calling online can make us feel helpless, sometimes hopeless.

Studies show that too much social media use is linked to reduced work performance, social problems, sleep issues, decreased life satisfaction, and feelings like jealousy, anxiety, and depression.

Using Social Media Mindfully

As we’ve noted, social media isn’t all bad (despite what your grandparents tell you). Here’s the “it depends” part—if you stay on the right side of it and use it mindfully, it can be a helpful tool. 

As a therapist, I was talking to a client recently who was sharing about the love-hate relationship she has with an Instagram account she follows. She felt inspired by how much this influencer travels, what she cooks, and the time she spends working out and on the beach. However, my client also talked about how this account also often leaves her feeling bad about her own habits and even her appearance. We discussed the pros and cons social media use, and we broke it down in the following ways:

• First and foremost, use social media to stay in touch with people who make you feel good. Exchanging direct messages with friends and loved ones who give you good vibes is a good thing. It’s fun to see what your friends are up to—who’s having kids, who got a new promotion, and who’s moving back to their hometown.
• Second, reading uplifting things can inspire your own life. Social media connects us with new ideas and new people, and it can give our brains that boost of oxytocin in that way.
• Third, using social media to find resources, advice, knowledge, and connection is great! (It just requires a tremendous amount of awareness, intention, and strategy to do so—for every way that exists to do it right, there’s about 100 ways to end up in the ditch.)
• Fourth, being mindful before you post is going to go a long way. Whether it’s a response to someone else, or a new statement you want to make to the world, take a moment before you hit the blue button to check in with yourself, and ask, “Why am I really posting this?” And be honest. If it’s because you feel inspired to share part of yourself with your community, go for it. If it’s coming from a place of “keeping up with the Joneses,” perhaps take a pause or reevaluate.

Source

Social media often serves as a passive distraction. Instead, try engaging in activities that are more active and meaningful, such as playing a card game, reading, practicing mindfulness, or creating art. The NY Times puzzle app has been a good alternative for me. When I’m bored or feeling anxious, I often pull out social media or a news app out of habit, but I have found the New York Times puzzles are a great distraction and alternative. Keep in mind that replacing instead of taking away is usually a easier to do.

Pro tip: The “One Sec” phone app is a cool tool that I’ve discovered recently and recommended to some of my clients. It requires you to take a deep breath before opening any social media apps.

Is YouTube Considered Social Media?

The answer to this question might depend on what you actually use this website for.

YouTube is the most popular video-sharing app, with more than a billion users, nearly 33% of Internet users total. For some, watching YouTube videos is solely for learning how to fix a leaky pipe under your sink or listening to your favorite podcast about mental health (shameless plug for our therapy podcast).

For many others, it’s a place where people connect, share, and engage with content just like Facebook, Instagram, or TikTok. It’s all too easy to get sucked into a “YouTube hole” where lots of time has passed before you realize it. For that reason, it’s important to be mindful of your time spent on YouTube.

Is WhatsApp Considered Social Media?

WhatsApp is a popular messaging app, where users can send texts, photos, and videos over the internet. It’s most popular outside of the US or when users want to be able to share messages using internet data instead of cell phone service. By definition, WhatsApp is technically social media (it’s allowing you to be social with others), although it doesn’t have the same features as other social networks where content creation is king.

If you were my client, I would ask:

• What’s your purpose is in using the app?
• Is it helpful for connecting to loved ones or is it getting in the way of your connections?
• How does it makes you feel while you’re on it? (Isolated, jealous, anxious, happy, etc.)

Depending on your answers to these questions, we may discuss setting boundaries with its use, changing who you’re connected to on there, or even adjusting how you are using the platform if necessary.

How to Break Social Media Addiction

Hey, I get it—scrolling endlessly can feel like second nature, but it’s time to take control. Research shows that excessive use of social media can lead to negative effects like decreased productivity, unhealthy social connections, and over all lower life satisfaction. Need to break that addiction? Here are some tips I recommend:

1. Set Boundaries: Limit your screen time with app timers. It’s like giving yourself a curfew.
2. Find Alternatives: Swap your phone for a book or a hobby. Rediscover what you love offline. When trying to beat an addiction, it can be helpful to keep a substitute within reach.
3. Digital Detox: Try a weekend without social media. It might be really hard, but you’ll be surprised at how refreshing it is. If you notice yourself mindlessly clicking that little blue square, un-downloading the apps or logging out can add the extra step to disrupt that habit.
4. Mindful Usage: Be conscious of why you’re logging in. Especially the stressful stuff—only take in what you need to be well, and then give it a rest. Is it boredom or genuine interest that’s bringing you in?
5. Connect IRL: Hang out with friends face-to-face. Real-life connections are crucial for your mental health!

Remember, it’s all about balance. You’ve got this!

Get Support From an Online Therapist

Being a person can be hard sometimes. The most important thing is that you take care of yourself, and understand that your struggles do matter—and that there’s help available to you. We all need support sometimes.

The good news is that mental health services are available, and some traditional barriers to access are no longer a problem (ie. travel distance, location, etc.). Online therapy (also called “telehealth therapy”) is now widely available and easily accessed by a smart phone or computer. 

At Ellie Mental Health, our providers are available to connect online or in person, and services are covered by almost all the insurance carriers. If you’re feeling isolated, depressed, or just plain stressed, you’re not alone. Seek support today or give us a call if you have any questions. 

Get matched with a therapist near you today at Ellie Mental Health.

The post Is Social Media Making Us More or Less Isolated appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.

“Of course, you’re stressed. Your boyfriend is a major *expletive of your choice here* and you should definitely dump him.”

“You need to stop talking about yourself that way. If only you changed your mindset, you wouldn’t think you’re a good-for-nothing *beeping beep beep*.”

Oftentimes, however, your friend isn’t looking for a textbook answer to how they can deal with their problems. Sometimes, in spite of the solutions being laid out, what they really want (and desperately need) is someone who will truly listen with compassion – without making them feel ashamed.

If your friend is struggling with a bad relationship or self-hate and you invalidate them, the reality is that the next time they’re feeling sucky, they’re probably more likely to feel that their emotions are “bad” and bottle them up or struggle through them alone.

Here is an overview of why emotional validation is important and tops on how to validate someone’s feelings, become a better listener, and be the friend your pal, partner, co-worker, or family member needs during this tough time.

Want support in becoming a better friend and healthier human? Get started with Ellie Mental Health to find a qualified therapist near you.

Why People Need Emotional Validation  

We all get wrapped up in our own minds sometimes. And even in our darkest moments, at the end of the day, we all want to feel accepted. When we react with extreme or negative emotions, it’s easy to feel ashamed or even guilty for our response.

We might tell ourselves that we’re “overreacting” or question if we have the right to feel upset about the situation in the first place. We might fear judgment, disapproval, and criticism from others and choose to deal with our problems alone instead of burdening someone else with how we feel.

However, the issue is that we don’t always know how to handle difficult emotions in a healthy way, and we aren’t always very nice to ourselves. Not only can sharing how you feel with someone else open the door to new perspectives and solutions, but venting also allows us to process our emotions out loud and relieve built-up stress.    

Research suggests that there are physical changes that happen in our brains when we label our emotional experiences. One study by UCLA found that when people would talk about an experience and put words to how they felt about it, there was a diminished response from the amygdala (which is a part of your brain that helps process emotions – especially fear and anger).

Ultimately, once we get the courage to be vulnerable and share our emotions, how others respond can have a serious impact on how we cope with that current situation and deal with difficult emotions in the future.

If someone responds with emotional validation, or by accepting and understanding how we feel, it becomes that much easier to turn off the voices that tell us we should be ashamed for feeling bad. Our relationship with that person deepens, we feel a flood of relief at being accepted, our negative emotions subside, and we are in a more stable spot where we can accept advice and begin to heal. And when we experience difficult moments in the future, we are much more likely to open up and turn to others in our time of need, instead of internalizing the issue and trying to cope with it on our own.  

Validating Vs. Fixing Emotions

But what about when you’re the person at the other end of the conversation? When it’s your friend who is in a bad spot and needs to vent?

Being the “Fixer”

For many of us, our natural inclination is to attempt to pull our friends out of the muck and make them feel better. We often think we have the answers and that if our loved ones would only follow our advice, they wouldn’t feel so bad. Our attempts to “fix” our struggling companion often come from a place of compassion and care. We’re not actively trying to invalidate their emotions or cause further harm – we only want to rescue our loved ones from their pain.

Learning to Accept and Understand

What your friend really needs at that moment is to feel understood and accepted. They need to know they’re not crazy or pathetic for feeling the way they do. Rather than send the message, “Your emotions are bad, and we need to fix them,” with validation we communicate, “Your emotions are valid, and you aren’t wrong for how you feel right now.”

It’s okay if you don’t agree with how they handled the situation or their thoughts on the matter – you’re not validating their choices or their opinions. Rather, you are choosing to withhold your opinions at this time and provide emotional support.

How To Become a Better Listener

So how can you be a good friend and validate someone’s feelings instead of fixing them? First, focus on talking less and listening more. The goal is to allow your friend to express how they’re feeling – and to avoid interrupting them or dominating the conversation with solutions. By taking an active listening approach, you are much more likely to provide the support and compassion they need.

1. Avoid Interruptions

Don’t forget that venting is hard and it can be painstaking to find the right words to express how we’re feeling inside. If your loved one is struggling to describe how they feel or is giving long-winded explanations, avoid jumping in to finish their statement or interjecting your thoughts. Even small statements can be frustrating or cause them to lose their train of thought. Before responding, ensure they are actually done talking and wait a few moments before speaking.

2. Wait to Formulate Your Response

If you’re thinking about your response the entire time your friend is speaking, you’re not really listening. Rather than taking in bits and pieces of what they say while you attempt to formulate a quick response, try to focus fully on what they are saying. Make your goal to truly understand what they are saying – not to come back with a moving response or a solution. You can always take a few moments after they’re done speaking to respond.

3. Remove All Distractions

A good listener is always fully invested in the conversation. This means your phone should be put away and silenced, you shouldn’t be glancing at the TV, and you should move to a new location if your environment is too distracting. Resist the urge to move, clean, or do anything while they speak. Humans aren’t always the great multi-taskers that we’d like to think we are, and being distracted sends a clear message that you don’t care about the conversation and aren’t focused on listening.

4. Check Your Posture and Facial Expressions

Your body language and facial expressions communicate just as much as your words do. Be intentional about your posture, and try to look engaged. Sit up straight, look the speaker in the eyes, and avoid fidgeting. You might feel uncomfortable during the conversation, but you should attempt to look and feel relaxed as you focus on what they are saying.

5. Learn to Be Okay With Silences

Many people think silence is awkward and will attempt to fill in the empty spaces of conversation with whatever comes to mind. However, a lot of good can come from silence. Take these quiet moments to reflect on what was said and to come up with a thoughtful, validating response.   

6. Remove All Judgments or Agendas

Judgment and pre-existing agendas will muddy your ability to truly understand your loved one. Maybe you think your friend needs therapy or that they should leave a toxic relationship. Rather than listening and validating, you might find yourself dropping subtle (or not-so-subtle) suggestions or directing the conversation so you can push your agenda on your loved one. Instead, come into the conversation with an open mind.

7. Respond With Validating Questions

Asking questions is a great way to understand a situation even more. And by asking plenty of questions, your loved one will feel validated and have more opportunity to talk and translate their feelings into words. These can include clarifying questions, such as “So what you’re saying is that you feel…?” Or these can be investigative questions that help you learn more, such as “Can you tell me more about that?” You can also ask your loved one how you can best support them during this time and what you can do to help.

17 Examples of How to Validate Someone’s Feelings (And 7 Things Not to Say)

When it comes time for you to respond, what should or shouldn’t you say to validate your loved one’s feelings?

You can validate someone’s emotions with responses like these:

• “I can see how upset this makes you feel.”
• “I can see that this is important to you.”
• “Please know I’m here for you.”
• “I’m so sorry to hear that happened to you.”
• “Thank you for sharing this with me.”
• “I understand how that could make you upset. I would feel the exact same way.”
• “It sounds like you were really hurt by this.”
• “What a stressful situation.”
• “I hear what you’re saying.”
• “I’m here for you.”
• “This must be so difficult to cope with.”
• “How can I help?”
• “So you’re saying that you feel…?”
• “What can I do to support you?
• “Why do you think you are feeling this way?”
• “Would you like my advice, or do you just need me to listen?
• “I’m trying to understand. Can you explain more?”
• “How do you feel about what happened?”

Alternatively, you generally want to avoid invalidating statements like these:

• Labeling the person’s actions as right or wrong: “You did the right thing.” Or “You did the wrong thing.”
• Tell them they are being overly emotional: “You can be so sensitive/dramatic/emotional.” Or “You need to calm down.”
• Make it about yourself: “This reminds me of the time that I got fired. Remember how rude my old boss was?”
• Try to make them think about the positives: “You should feel lucky/blessed/fortunate that you have a family that cares about you.”
• Make general statements about life: “Life’s not fair.”
• Point out what they could have done differently: “If you had only listened to my advice before.” Or “If you had only dumped him the first time he cheated on you…”
• Play the devil’s advocate: “Have you ever considered that maybe they were just having a bad day?”  

Providing Support in a Healthy and Helpful Way

Being there for a friend in need can be difficult – especially if your loved one is dealing with some heavy, painful stuff. The good news is that you don’t need to have all the answers to be an amazing friend! The reality is that we can’t just snap away pain and suffering. Healing takes time and work, and the first step to getting help and feeling better is accepting the situation and how we feel about it.

By taking the time to listen and show that you care, you’ve shown your loved one that they have someone they can count on when times are tough. By validating their emotions, you’ve helped them take one step closer to accepting their own feelings — and your care and understanding will show them that they’re not alone.

Life is hard, and we could all use a helping hand sometimes. Find an Ellie location near you and start healing – in-person or online.

The post How to Validate Someone’s Feelings and Become a Better Listener appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.

Somewhere along the line between elementary school and early adulthood a distinct awareness sets in. It’s almost as if the world has tapped you on the shoulder to tell you it’s time to become more self-aware. Not only does this jolting change come with a greater degree of self-knowledge, but with a heightened awareness of others’ perceptions as well.

And it is here that things get complicated. That fearlessness you may have once felt as a child becomes muddied as you start to fear rejection, ridicule, and a host of other uncomfortable feelings. This newfound self-doubt and anxiety can make it difficult to seek out new relationships.

But just because making new friends can be SO much harder as an adult, this doesn’t mean you need friends any less than you did when you were child. The reality is that most adults in the US report feeling lonely.

But hope is not lost entirely. Despite the studies which claim that nearly 50 percent of American adults have three or fewer friends, developing new friendships can be both enriching and empowering. And overcoming the hurdles of making friends as an adult can be as simple as taking that first leap of faith.

Unsure how to overcome the barriers of making friends as an adult? Contact Ellie Mental Health and talk to a therapist today.

Here’s Why Friendships Matter

We all witnessed the shift in our lives once the COVID-19 pandemic took hold in the spring of 2020. With social distancing and complete isolation in times of quarantine, we were cut off from those we love and care about. And this caused a sharp rise in depression and anxiety among many adults across the U.S. and the world. This is because we humans are social creatures, and we need our relationships to function much more than we realize.

In contrast, studies have shown that once we’ve reached the age of 25, many of our friendships fade. But this is natural due to growing older, moving, changing jobs, having children, and many other factors. Priorities shift, and we may lose relationships in the process. But we don’t have to live our lives as hermits either!

Benefits of Adult Friendships

While forming lasting friendships may be harder once you reach adulthood, doing so has many benefits that you may not initially notice. A few of these include:

• Increased longevity
• Better immune response
• Reduced stress
• Reduced anxiety
• Decreased risk of illness and disease

Research suggests that both reaching old age and staying healthy are contingent on a variety of interrelated factors. Not surprisingly, among the top factors include eating a balanced diet, practicing healthy lifestyle choices, and getting regular exercise. However, keeping quality social relationships was at the top of the list —even higher than quitting smoking. And those with more friendships tend to outlive those with fewer by as much as 22 percent.

4 Steps for Making Friends as an Adult

If you’re wondering how to make friends as an adult, you may also be wondering where you’re supposed to meet friends.

Maybe you’re thinking about the supermarket produce aisle while shopping for that perfect-looking head of lettuce. Or maybe the local park. Should you hop over your neighbor’s fence and pretend to hurt your back in hopes of making a friend? NO! The truth is, it’s not about a serendipitous encounter, nor where you go to meet friends – it’s about your mindset when it comes to building relationships. You have to be open to having new experiences that include other people.

Looking at this another way, if you’re already thinking that you’ll never make any new friends, you probably won’t. This is why engaging in positive thinking towards your goal of establishing new friendships is key if you want to become successful. In other words, don’t go into an experience worrying about rejection or believing that you’re just too boring or not fun enough to make friends.

Chances are you have something extraordinary to offer the world, and there are people out in the world who would love to know you, learn from you – and walk alongside you on your path.

1. Focus on the Experience

If you could travel back in time to the age of five or six, you’d probably find that the present moment is all you were focused on. You were in tune with the world in such an innocent and engaging way that knowledge of your peers’ perception of you probably didn’t even exist. And this is how you can defeat the voice of self-doubt when it comes to making new friends – by channeling your inner child.

Once you’ve become open to having new experiences and meeting new people, immersing yourself and focusing on the experience is all that needs to happen. From this point, you’re likely to naturally make friends who are interested in the same experiences that you’re seeking out.

2. Accept Invitations

Of course, you’re busy. But who isn’t? The busyness of life isn’t an excuse to not get out there and meet people at social gatherings. In fact, it’s a cheap scapegoat that most people use to avoid rejection or awkwardness in social settings.

Chances are you’ve been invited to many outings, festivals, live music events, and maybe even to a local pub for a bite to eat with coworkers. But never stepping a foot out of the door isn’t going to make you any friends.

Learn to be daring enough to take the first step and meet people where they are, and remember to focus on the experience, not on yourself. This is the key to putting yourself out there and establishing new, lasting relationships.

3. Seek Out New Adventures

Being open to new experiences is key to potentially meeting new people. But you may want to take this a step further and plan new adventures where you’re more likely to meet like-minded people interested in the same things that you are.

For example, maybe your life could use a little more action. If this is the case, trying individual or team sports might be the perfect remedy, and you may just meet some new friends in the process of entering something like a pickleball or disc golf tournament.

A few other options for high-energy activities include:

• Ultimate Frisbee®
• Martial arts classes
• Kickball
• Dodgeball
• Softball
• Hiking groups
• Running groups
• Geocaching groups
• Extreme sports

Of course, you’ll want to ensure that you’re healthy enough for high-energy physical activity. But the advantage of joining team sports is that you’ll be part of a team, and you’ll likely develop friendships within your own group as you enjoy a bit of exercise and adventure.

4. Don’t Let Social Media Fool You

Social media has made our lives much more interconnected. And these platforms have made it possible to reconnect with old friends, stay in touch with distant relatives, and seek out new relationships. But social media can also create an illusory pattern of thinking when it comes to who you’re actually “friends” with.

Having quality friendships has nothing to do with the quantity of friends you have. And this is what social media offers us – the ability to collect people that we’ve never even met and add them to our friend list. In fact, it may even make you feel better knowing that you have all these people as friends. But just take a moment to look at your “friends” on social media.

Ask yourself if you would really like to sit down and converse with any of them. Would you be willing to share intimate details about your life? Would any of them invite you over for coffee? If the answer is no, then it’s best to look elsewhere for true friendships and leave your social profile for more important things – like commenting on that next cat video.

Social media does offer a variety of groups that anyone can join. And this may also be another avenue for making new friends. However, don’t get too caught up with the number of followers or your friend list. Instead, place your energy into developing and maintaining real friendships.

How to Maintain Adult Friendships

So now you know a bit about making new friends, or at least you may be developing a plan to establish new relationships. But making friends and maintaining friendships are two different actions entirely.

It’s often said that friendship is like a garden. You need to water and care for your garden regularly otherwise everything in it will wither away and eventually die. And friendships are no different. You have to nurture each friendship and put in the work to ensure that your friendships flourish – just like a garden.

Make plans, stay in touch regularly, call and text, send weird memes, meet up with them when time allows – or make time and take the steps to keep your friendships healthy and beneficial.

Above all, take an interest in your friends’ lives and reach out to offer help when needed. Remember, real friendships are not one-sided. It’s not all about having your needs and expectations met. Because true friendship means you have to meet your friends’ needs and expectations, too.

Still need a little help and guidance for making new friends? Give the experts at Ellie Mental Health a call today.

The post How To Make Friends as an Adult (Because Loneliness Sucks) appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.