But what about divorce? Do we go through these same 5 stages of grief? And does the person initiating the divorce go through the same stages of grief as the person who doesn’t want the marriage to end?

Divorce and Loss

First, let’s take a moment to identify the losses that come with divorce. Obviously there’s the loss of a marriage, but we are also grieving our own future. No one gets married expecting to get divorced; rather, we anticipate spending our entire future with that person. We make financial decisions based on a shared vision of our future, we create shared friend groups, attend the same church, get close to our partner’s family. All of this is based on an assumption that we are building a lasting future together as a couple. For those of us who have children, we plan to raise those children together, celebrating this family we’ve created. We talk about where we want to live when our kids leave the nest, what trips we want to take, what hobbies we might pursue together, we imagine ourselves growing old next to that person we vowed to love ‘till death do us part.

And now that future is gone. Granted, we may still have a future with that person, especially if we are co-parenting with them, but it’s going to look a lot different than we previously envisioned, and probably not in a good way. So when we talk about loss as it relates to divorce, we are talking about the loss of plans, dreams, hopes, and expectations. On top of that, many of us also experience the loss of financial security, mutual friends, and our partner’s family. If we’re coparenting, we also lose time with our children. That’s a lot of loss, which means there’s a lot to grieve.

5 Stages of Divorce Grief

It’s normal to have a lot of conflicting feelings when going through a divorce, and it’s also normal to experience these feelings at all different times. It’s also important to note that you might experience these feelings differently if the divorce is mutual, if you’re the one initiating the divorce, or if your spouse is initiating. You might feel depressed one moment and anger in the next– this blog post will be dissecting some of these feelings and how you can cope through each:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

1. Denial

For the person initiating the divorce, they will have gone through much of the grieving process before telling their partner they want a divorce. What that looks like will vary from person to person. For example, there is usually a period of time when they may deny that they are no longer invested in the marriage by keeping busy at work or with friends, or stating they want to go to couples therapy but then making little to no effort outside of therapy to work on the marriage.

For the person who does not want the marriage to end, grieving begins the moment their partner announces they want a divorce. The rejected spouse may refuse to go to mediation or hire an attorney, they won’t sign any papers or tell their parents that the marriage is over. They still plan family vacations and try to act as if none of this is actually happening. 

That said, in my observation the Denial stage usually begins well before that moment, albeit outside their conscious awareness. Most unhappy spouses are quite vocal about their marital dissatisfaction for months, if not years, before announcing the divorce. For whatever reason, however, their partner could not hear it for what it was, and are then legitimately shocked to learn the marriage is over.

2. Anger

For the person initiating the divorce, they may start to show anger toward their spouse for not being the kind of partner they wanted, becoming hypercritical, leaving their partner to feel as though nothing they do is right.

Anger often starts building long before the initiator says the words out loud. It can come from years of feeling unheard, unmet needs, or repeated conflicts that never get resolved. That frustration can make it hard to communicate openly, leading to resentment and shutting down instead of working through issues. It can also cloud judgment, making decisions feel reactive rather than thoughtful.

Anger doesn’t always stay within the relationship—it can spill over into work, friendships, or even self-criticism, showing up as irritability, impatience, or burnout. Some people push it down to avoid confrontation, while others become more reactive, interpreting everything their partner does through a lens of frustration. Often, this anger is a warning sign that the relationship is in trouble, even before the decision to leave feels final. Working through these emotions with anger management therapy can help process them in a healthier way, making it easier to approach divorce with clarity rather than resentment.

The Anger stage can be the scariest one for the partner initiating the divorce, for reasons that make national headlines on a regular basis. Thankfully, most rejected spouses are just angry, not dangerous, though it can still be an acutely painful and scary time for the leaving spouse and any children who get caught in the mix.

For the spouse who wasn’t expecting the divorce, anger often comes with a mix of betrayal, rejection, and deep hurt. They may feel blindsided, wondering how long their partner has been planning to leave and why they weren’t given a chance to fix things. The realization that their partner’s anger had been building in silence can feel like deception, leaving them to question the authenticity of their shared past. This sense of abandonment can trigger intense emotional reactions, ranging from lashing out in frustration, to withdrawing in pain.

In some cases, this anger can become all-consuming, fueling destructive behaviors like blaming, retaliation, revenge, or attempts to regain control. Feelings of powerlessness can escalate into resentment, making even necessary conversations feel impossible. The mix of anger and grief can also lead to self-doubt—wondering if they were ever truly loved or if they somehow caused the relationship’s breakdown. These are all relatively normal feelings, but without support, these emotions can spiral, making healing and closure even more difficult.

3. Bargaining

The Bargaining stage can take any number of shapes. I think affairs often fall under this heading, as an attempt by the person to find happiness without having to leave the marriage (“If I can just find a way to be happy without getting divorced, maybe divorce won’t be necessary). Same goes with getting a new job, or spending more money on trips and possessions, or moving the family to a new city: all can be attempts to find happiness within a marriage that is effectively already over.

Bargaining is often more straightforward with the rejected spouse, who may insist they will make all the changes the leaving spouse has requested in the past, in order to save the marriage, only to find their promises have come too late.

4. Depression

For the person initiating the divorce, depression often sets in long before they make the final decision. The weight of emotional exhaustion, unspoken resentment, and the fear of upending their life can lead to deep withdrawal from the relationship. They may find themselves disengaging—going through the motions but feeling emotionally disconnected. This isolation isn’t just from their partner; they might also pull away from friends and family, struggling to share the turmoil they’re experiencing.

Guilt and self-blame are very common during this stage, especially if they still care about their partner but know the relationship isn’t working. They may question whether they tried hard enough or worry about being seen as the “bad guy” for leaving. This internal struggle can be overwhelming, leading many to seek therapy as they try to process their emotions, find clarity, and work through the grief of letting go.

Depression is the second most worrisome stage of the grieving process for the rejected spouse, as this is when we see spikes in suicide, especially among men, who are far more likely to be the rejected spouse in heterosexual divorce situations.

For the spouse who didn’t initiate the divorce, the depression stage can be devastating, often hitting after the initial shock and anger wear off. Feelings of rejection, abandonment, and grief can lead to deep sadness, hopelessness, and a loss of self-worth. They may replay conversations, searching for where things went wrong, or blame themselves for not seeing the signs sooner. This emotional pain can also bring physical symptoms like fatigue, changes in appetite, or difficulty sleeping, making even basic daily tasks feel overwhelming.

Behaviorally, they might withdraw from social connections, struggling to engage in activities they once enjoyed. Some become consumed by the past, fixating on memories of the relationship, while others feel numb, going through life on autopilot. Motivation can plummet, and in some cases, depression can spiral into deeper mental health struggles, especially if they lack a strong support system. Seeking therapy during this stage can be crucial in helping them process their grief, regain a sense of stability, and start rebuilding their life.

5. Acceptance

For the person initiating the divorce, the Acceptance stage is when they tell their partner the marriage is over. The grieving process does not end there, however. Many will feel a tremendous sense of relief following their decision to leave the marriage. Often, they will take this as a sign that they made the right choice and are ready to move on, having accepted that the marriage is over and taken the first and hardest step toward making it official. Rarely does this play out as expected, however.

Check out our top ten book recommendations for someone going through a divorce.

How Long Does Grief Last After Divorce?

Because the divorce process itself can be so emotionally challenging, and as they witness the fallout from their decision and the losses become more real, the leaving spouse will often go through a second grieving process, one they did not necessarily anticipate.

It can take the rejected spouse a long time to get to the Acceptance stage. I’ve seen rejected spouses cycle through the previous four stages for months or years – sometimes even decades – after the divorce is final.

At this point you may be wondering, Do people ever get to the Acceptance stage after divorce and leave the grief behind? The answer: Usually, but not always. Most of us know people who have been divorced for years and still talk about their ex with the same bitterness they had when it was fresh. 

So what does acceptance look like? Initially, I believe it looks like indifference. Once you’ve let go of all your big feelings, accepting that the relationship is over and you will be moving on with your life without that person by your side, you may feel indifferent toward them. From there, as you continue to heal, you may notice some positive feelings emerge, as you incorporate both the negative and the positive parts of your history together, forming an adaptive and holistic narrative that allows you to move forward with your life, beyond the grief, a little stronger and wiser than you were before.

How to Cope with Divorce Grief

If you are struggling to get to this final stage of grief following your divorce, I would encourage you to reach out to a therapist with experience working with divorcing and divorced individuals. There are also support groups for people affected by divorce, which can help mitigate the loneliness and feelings of isolation that often accompany divorce. With the right supports in place, I believe anyone can learn to accept their divorce and move forward with their life, no matter the circumstances. 

Need some help navigating the stages of divorce grief? Contact the experts at Ellie Mental Health today for support.

The post Examining the Grieving Stages of Divorce appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.

Understanding Grief in Children

Grief in children can manifest differently than in adults. Jordan Mealey, a licensed professional counselor, emphasizes that while there are similarities, the expression of grief can vary widely. She mentions, “We are going to notice behavior changes that are related to grieving. Difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, and sleep disturbance are common across the lifespan, including in children.”

For teens, it will look similar and may be paired with more rebellion, acting out, or pushing boundaries. The most important thing to remember for kids and teens is that behavior is language. They are always communicating with their actions, even if they’re not using words.

Curious about other signs that you kids are struggling through grief? Check out our deep-dive blog post here.

First Steps: Creating a Safe Space

It’s essential to create a safe and supportive environment for children to express their grief. Miranda, a licensed clinical social worker, reflects on the importance of patience during this time:

“Let’s not force the child to talk. Let’s just be patient and let them come to a point where maybe they want to. In the same token though, we are the adults. So let’s go first. Let’s tell our child, your child, the client, about our own grief. Make it safe for the child to open up, and again, when they’re ready to.”

Practical Tips for Therapists

1. Validate Their Emotions:

Recognize and validate the child’s emotions without judgment. Simple acknowledgments like, “I see that you’re feeling sad, and it’s okay to feel this way,” can make a significant difference. Jordan underscores this by stating, “Listening with our heart instead of our head and recognizing grief is emotional, not intellectual, is key.”

2. Use Visual Tools:

Miranda highlights the benefit of using visual aids: “If they don’t have the words, they can recognize it either by… a feelings chart.” Visual tools like a feelings wheel or chart can help children identify and articulate their emotions.

3. Incorporate Grief Art Therapy  Activities:

Using art, music, and crafts can be powerful non-verbal ways for children to process their grief. Jordan shares how she utilizes creative methods:

“We’ll often make soundtracks. The child chooses their songs, and then we talk about why those songs were chosen. We’ll discuss how on CDs, bands used to give a little biography about them. I’ll ask the child to write a biography about the loss. This CD or soundtrack becomes a tangible way for them to express and process their feelings.”

There are numerous kinds of grief art activities that can be used in sessions. Our art therapists recommended this ideas:

“One activity you could do is to support processing the various parts that they’re grieving (loss of a friend/relative and what they brought to the world or the child involved). You can use a piece of posterboard or construction paper, or even a clay pot. Have them tear the paper, or carefully break the pot into smaller pieces using a hammer. Using a sharpie or regular marker, have them write on one side of the paper or pot their emotions experienced in losing their loved one (this could be tricky with the paper) and on the outside write and draw their sources of support (family, friends, play outside, etc). Then, tape (paper) or hot glue the pieces back together. Talk about how they may feel broken in grief and can be put back together again, yet forever changed.” – Chelsea Wire, MA Art Therapy Counseling/LPC

4. Find Books About Grief

Use books about grief to help normalize this experience. We have a huge list of book recommendation on this topic for you here.

5. Engaging Families in the Process

Involving family members is crucial, as grief often impacts the entire family unit. Jordan advises:

“It’s silly and unrealistic to expect that this child or adolescent is going to continue on doing what we’re working on together if the family system or the person they’re living with is not actively involved in creating a consistent message and change with them.”

Here are some strategies to support the whole family that’s grieving:

1. Share Personal Experiences:

Encourage parents and guardians to share their own feelings and experiences with grief. Jordan suggests, “As the adult, sharing our own experience, our own emotional truth with that grief, or with grief that may be similar, can go a long way.” This can also help the child feel like they’re not alone in their feelings and that it’s normal to be sad sometimes, especially when there has been a big loss in their lives.

2. Establish Memorials:

Creating a special place in the home to remember a lost loved one can be very healing. Jordan highlights using memory bears or pillows made from the clothing of the deceased. This tangible item can provide comfort and a way to keep the memory alive.

3. Open Communication:

Facilitate open and honest communication within the family. Miranda points out, “Having a parent or caretaker as a part of that conversation makes a lot of sense just to see where they’re at and how they approach that conversation.”

Need help navigating a loss? Find grief counseling near you through Ellie.

Prompts for Grief Journals

Using grief journals can be an effective adjunct to therapy, helping children and adolescents process their emotions between sessions. Jordan provides some useful prompts:

– “My grief looks like ______.”

– “Where do I feel my grief?”

– “This loss means to me ______.”

– “My life has changed in the following ways since the loss ______.”

– “Something I liked about the person I lost…”

– “Here are things I wish [the deceased] got to see or be a part of ______.”

– “Right now I feel___”

– “Acceptance looks like…”

– “I feel saddest when ___”

– “Since the loss, things have been different because ____”

– “My family talks about the loss this way…”

Looking for ways to incorporate this into a session—we have a grief worksheet for that! Download it here.

Addressing Cultural and Religious Beliefs

It is important to acknowledge and respect the cultural and religious beliefs that surround death and loss. Jordan emphasizes the need for understanding these beliefs:

“I’m also giving them some of the psychoeducation on the evidence-based pieces of grief recovery method that I may use. Not in any way to challenge their way but to integrate the two respectfully.”

Final Thoughts

Navigating the choppy waters of grief and loss with kids? It’s a delicate dance that needs a truckload of sensitivity, heaps of patience, and a dash of creativity. It’s about letting their emotions take center stage, getting artsy, roping in the fam, and being mindful of their cultural and religious backgrounds. Remember that grief and not linear and we all approach mourning differently—it takes a lot of courage and patience to wade through these waters.

As Jordan says, “Take it easy on yourself. Heart-to-hearts can be tough, we all handle it differently.”

If you’re guiding a kiddo through the maze of grief, keep these nuggets of wisdom and strategies in your back pocket to offer them the warmest, most understanding care. Need more resources? We’ve got a list of kid-friendly books for dealing with grief here.

August is National Grief Awareness Month, so every August we release new content around coping with grief and loss. Check out our podcast episodes for more resources:

Listen and subscribe to our podcast here.

The post Helping Kids and Teens Navigate Grief and Loss: Practical Tips for Therapists appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.

In this interview-turned-blog-post, Miranda Barker, LICSW talks Jordan Mealey, a licensed professional counselor and clinic director from Ellie Mental Health – Central New Jersey location. Jordan is a Grief Recovery Specialist and trained in the Grief Recovery Method. Together, they delve into the nuances of grief recovery, offering invaluable insights into effective methods for helping individuals navigate the deeply personal and often challenging journey of grieving.

Listen to the podcast here:

Introduction to the Grief Recovery Method

“Grievers grieve at 100 percent and every griever grieves differently,” shares Jordan. She emphasizes the uniqueness of each person’s grief, shaped by their personal relationship and experiences with the loss. The Grief Recovery Method, a structured program designed to help individuals process and manage their grief, has proven to be an effective approach for many. It’s grounded in the belief that “grievers are not broken” and focuses on delivering tools for personal healing.

Key Components of the Grief Recovery Method

Understanding Emotional Communications

One of the central tenets of the Grief Recovery Method is addressing “incomplete emotional communications.” These are the unexpressed feelings and thoughts about the deceased or lost relationship that still linger and cause pain. Jordan explains that these can include “unmet expectations, unfulfilled wishes, and unresolved grief.” Addressing these can significantly aid in the healing process.

Searching for counseling while grieving? Find your nearest Ellie Mental Health here.

The Loss History Graph

A crucial assignment in the method is creating a Loss History Graph. This visual tool helps individuals document significant losses and changes throughout their lives. Jordan describes it as starting with the “dawn of conscious memory” and plotting key losses across a timeline. This exercise not only helps in visualizing one’s grief journey but also assists in identifying patterns and unresolved feelings.

Practical Steps for Therapists

Active Listening and Empathy

Jordan stress the importance of being a “heart with ears” for grieving clients, a concept that embodies deep empathy and active listening without judgment or unsolicited advice. “Listen with your heart, not with your head,” Jordan advises, highlighting the emotional nature of grief over intellectualizing or problem-solving.

Creating a Safe Space

Ensuring a safe, private, and comfortable environment for clients to express and work through their grief is paramount. Jordan recommends that therapists encourage clients to “sit for themselves and just feel and be in it,” taking necessary breaks without pressure.

Looking for tips for supporting kids that are grieving? Discover how you can help children navigate grief and loss today.

Balancing Structure and Flexibility

While the Grief Recovery Method typically takes eight to ten weeks to complete, Jordan notes that it often extends to 12-14 weeks in practice. This flexibility allows clients to process at their own pace without feeling rushed.

Educate that Grief is not Linear

Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s “Five Stages of Grief” was actually created when she was researching dying. It was not meant to be applied to the typical person that is walking through loss.

Reinforce to your clients that grieving is not linear: You might not experience each of the famous “stages” and the grieving journey looks different.

Grief also does not have a time frame. Learn more about prolonged grief disorder and the steps you can take to begin the healing process today.

Dealing with Immediate Grief in Therapy Sessions

When a client unexpectedly brings up a recent loss, it’s essential to provide immediate support. Instead of diving into the details of what happened, Jordan suggests focusing on emotional support: “How can I support you right now while you grieve?” This question can offer comfort and set the stage for a more involved exploration as the client is ready.

Common Missteps to Avoid

Jordan also discusses the many well-meaning but ultimately unhelpful phrases people often hear. Statements like “God only gives you as much as you can handle” or “There are other fish in the sea” can unintentionally invalidate the person’s grief. As therapists, being mindful of our language and ensuring it fosters validation rather than minimization is crucial.

Closing Thoughts

Grief is an inevitable part of life, but it doesn’t have to be navigated alone. As therapists, our role is to provide a compassionate, understanding presence and the right tools to help individuals find their path through grief. Jordan’s insights and the principles of the Grief Recovery Method serve as a valuable guide in this critical work.

“I just learned so many beautiful morals and values of what it is to be a selfless person and, loyal and loving,” Jordan reflects on his personal experiences, further emphasizing that the journey through grief, while challenging, can also lead to profound personal growth and understanding.

—

By understanding and implementing these techniques and perspectives, therapists can better support their clients through the often-painful journey of grief. For more detailed information and resources on the Grief Recovery Method, therapists can visit their official site and consider specialized training to enhance their practice.

Check out the full Youtube episode below.

The post Understanding Grief Recovery: Interview with Jordan Mealey appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.

At some point in everyone’s lives, we experience grief and loss. When children are dealing with loss, their emotions can be particularly complex and hard to navigate. Whether it’s the death of a loved one, a divorce, or a significant life change, helping children cope with grief requires a compassionate and thoughtful approach. As caregivers, mentors, therapists, and educators, we play a pivotal role in providing the support, understanding, and tools necessary for children to navigate their grief journey and emerge with resilience.

An estimated 1 in 14 children in the U.S. will experience the death of a parent or sibling before age 18, combining over 4 million children on a national level (The New York Life Foundation, 2017). This statistic from six years ago was prior to the global pandemic COVID-19, wherein according to the Imperial College London, 258,800 children in the U.S. have lost a primary or secondary caregiver.

Children facing grief and loss will always have unique outcomes, even children within the family system, impacted by the same loss, but it’s important to note that children impacted by grief have higher rates of depression, anxiety, and PTSD compared to nonbereaved peers.

What Are the Signs and Symptoms of Grief and Loss in Kids

When kids lose someone that they love, it’s normal to see a rollercoaster of feelings. They might feel sad, confused, or even angry, but here are some other symptoms of grief and loss that are a bit harder to spot:

• School avoidance/academic struggles
• Emotional reactions that seem “unlike” the child (this could be anger, chronic fatigue, anxiety-attacks, suicidal ideation)
• Feelings of shock, confusion, denial, sadness
• Rough and boisterous play or repetitive play
• Behavioral and emotional regressions, like acting much younger for an extended period or reverting to earlier behaviors (For example: Being hyper-clingy, using baby talk, thumb-sucking, and wetting the bed.) 
• Excessively imitating or asking questions about the deceased; repeated statements of wanting to join the deceased; inventing games about dying or asking many questions about the death in specifics
• Complaints of ailments like headaches and stomachaches
• Avoidance of friends and withdrawal from personal interests

Ready to take the next step? Click the link below and get matched with the perfect therapist for your child’s needs.

How to Help Children Cope With Grief and Loss

As therapists, we understand how much this can shake up a kid’s world. We’ve seen firsthand how strong and resilient kids can be, but we also know they need a lot of love and support to get through it all. Here’s some advice and tips for parents and caregivers to help their kids navigate with loss.

• Children can be concrete in their thinking. To lessen confusion, avoid expressions such as “passed away” or “went to sleep.” Answer their questions about death simply and honestly. Only offer details that they can absorb. Providing too much information can be overwhelming.
• Allow children to talk about fears around death. Give them the opportunity to discuss their fears and validate their experience.
• Children can be repetitive in their grief which can make adults concerned, however, their processing speed is slower. Normalize that it can take time to process.
• Children can be physical in their grief. Offering reassurance about what is happening can validate their experience.
• Children need safe adults and caregivers to talk about grief and loss, especially when cyclical anniversaries occur. Encourage them to create a tradition that helps honor their emotions.
• Whenever possible, allow or offer choices in what they do or don’t do to memorialize the deceased and ways to express their feelings about the death.
• Children thrive with routine, and at times the “changed behavior” within a family system might be the most difficult aspect of their grief. Supporting them in their environment with a schedule supports regulation.

Activities for Children and Teens Dealing With Grief and Loss

In the midst of grief and loss, kids often find solace in activities that provide a sense of comfort, expression, and connection, and they also need space to process what’s happening in their lives. For young kids, that might look like playing through the loss with dolls or toys, and for older kids, it can be helpful to talk about all of this with a trusted adult. When asked about different activities that caregivers or trusted adults can prepare, here were some of their suggestions:

1. Find a therapist for individual therapy and family therapy (link to Ellie)
2. Create a memory box (include photos, embellishments, cards, etc.)
3. Write a letter to their loved one
4. Provide the kid with a journal and art supplies to help process the loss
5. Read books on grief (see our recommendations below)
6. Make a music playlist about their loved one
7. Grief summer camps, like Camp Erin

Books we Recommend About Grief and Loss for Kids

From illustrated picture books to insightful guides for older readers, these recommendations are crafted to gently guide children through their grief journey, fostering empathy, resilience, and hope along the way (keep in mind that some of these are affiliate links).

• The Grief Rock: A Book to Understand Grief and Love by Natasha Daniels (Ages 3-7)
• I Miss You: A First Look at Death by Pat Thomas and Lesley Harker (Ages 3-7)
• When Someone Dies: A Children’s Mindful How-To Guide on Grief and Loss by Andrea Dorn (Ages 4-10)
• Lacie’s Moon: A Children’s Story About Grief by Natcole Staskiewicz (Ages 6-18)
• The Invisible String (Ages 3-7) by Patrice Karst
• The Invisible Leash: A Story Celebrating Love After the Loss of a Pet (Ages 5-10, Pet specific)
• Old Coyote by Nancy Wood (Ages 5-8, Lifecycle specific)
• How I Feel: Grief Journal for Kids: Guided Prompts to Explore Your Feelings and Find Peace by Mia Roldan LCSW LCDC (Ages 8-13)
• Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert (Ages 13+)
• A Grieving Teen: A Guide for Teens and Friends by Helen Fitzgerald (Ages 13+)
• Chill & Spill by Art With Heart (Ages 13+)
• Healing Your Grieving Heart for Teens: 100 Practical Ideas by Alan D Wolfelt (Ages 13+)

Healing isn’t a straight line, and it’s going to look different for each child. As you are helping a child cope with grief and loss, remember that you’re not alone: you have all of these tools, resources, and the therapists at Ellie to help you navigate.

Ready to take the next step? Click the link below and get matched with the perfect therapist for your child’s needs.

Source:

The Burden of Bereavement: Early-Onset Depression and Impairment in Youths Bereaved by Sudden Parental Death in a 7-Year Prospective Study
Pham S, Porta G, Biemesser C, Walker Payne M, Iyengar S, Melhem N, Brent DA
Am J Psychiatry, 2018 175(9):887-896

The post How to Help Kids Navigate Through Grief and Loss appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.

Grief is the name we give to the pain we feel in response to a loss, and it can be both emotional and physical. It can last a few hours, or it might stick around for a few decades. Some losses are so profound that we continue to feel the pain, to some degree, for the rest of our lives.

While death may be what comes to mind most often when talking about grief, we can also experience grief in response to the loss of relationships, a job, physical abilities we once had, or a community we once lived in but had to leave. Many parents describe feeling a deep (and sometimes unexpected) sense of grief when their children “leave the nest” and move to another part of the state or country. And I have worked with quite a few individuals who were surprised at the intensity of grief they experienced after retiring. We may even grieve the future, such as when people go through a divorce and find themselves mourning the loss of the future that has been completely upended by the loss of the relationship itself. Or when someone is diagnosed with a terminal illness, and now they must grieve a future they won’t get to have.

But what does grief look like? Is there a right way to grieve? A wrong way? And how do we know if we’re going about it in a healthy way?

Take the first step toward healing by scheduling an appointment with Ellie Mental Health today.

The Five Stages of grief

Although grief and loss are universal experiences, that does not mean we all grieve in the same way. If you are familiar with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief  – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance – you may be under the impression that there is indeed a “normal” path for navigating significant losses. While these 5 stages can serve as a somewhat useful tool for thinking about grief, most people do not go through them in a predictable order, or even at all, since plenty of people don’t experience all five emotional states as they work their way through their own grieving process.

For example, someone whose elderly parent dies following a prolonged terminal illness might initially experience a feeling of relief, not denial, that their loved one’s suffering has come to an end, even if their relief is followed by a profound sadness. If you are fired from your job, you may launch straight into feeling angry, which could be followed by acceptance a week later as you start looking for a new position, and only a few months after that do you feel a bit of sadness as you think about your favorite colleagues from the last job that you may not get to see again.

In other words, there is no “right” or “wrong” way to grief a significant loss. Different people grieve differently, and the same person might experience grief differently depending on the type of loss. Children often express grief differently than adults, and someone who has experienced many losses over their lifetime will probably grieve differently than someone who is experiencing a major loss for the first time.

Why grieving is important

While it isn’t at all important to grieve in a certain way or for a specific period of time, it is important that we allow ourselves to grieve. When we experience a significant loss and we do not go through a grieving process – maybe by pretending that we are not affected by it, or refusing to talk about it, or perhaps we are prevented by others from talking about it –  it can have long-lasting negative effects on our mental, emotional and physical well-being. In fact, one thing we know about post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is that individuals who are not able, for whatever reason, to go through a grieving process after experiencing a traumatic loss are more likely to experience symptoms of PTSD than are people who begin processing their grief within a few months after their loss.

By keeping our pain bottled up, our brain is not allowed to process what happened or why. When we talk about our loss with a trusted individual or group of individuals and allow ourselves to feel the pain of the loss, we begin the process of integrating that loss into our understanding of ourselves and of the world around us. In other words, going through the grieving process is how we heal and move forward with our lives.

Moving forward does not mean moving on

I think many people hold the belief that after a certain amount of time has passed, we should “get over” our losses and no longer be emotionally affected by them. I’ve had clients come to me distressed that they still feel intense emotional pain on the anniversary of a loved one’s death, even though it’s been years, or even decades. They worry that there is something wrong with them that they still feel so sad (or angry, or whatever other emotions are connected to the loss), since the loss happened so long ago.

Conversely, I’ve talked with people who worry that if they stop feeling intense pain when they think about their loss – especially when the loss involves the death of a loved one – it means they no longer care that their loved one is gone. They worry that moving forward with their life means they didn’t really love that person in the first place, or that they will forget about them altogether. Moving forward feels like a betrayal.

But moving forward is not about getting over or forgetting what or whom you lost, nor does it mean you no longer feel pain when reminded of your loss. For better or for worse, you can go through a very healthy grieving process and still be brought to your knees by the pain of the loss from time to time – and yes, even years later. The loss and its significance to you may not always be front and center in your mind as time goes by, but you will almost certainly feel some feelings about it once in a while, and sometimes when you least expect it.

Moving forward after grieving a loss means learning how to weave that loss into the rest of your life. It means honoring that you have lost something or someone significant and, at the same time, recognizing that your life consists of other things as well. It means that your loss is part of you, it has shaped you, but it doesn’t define you.

When grief gets stuck

Sometimes the negative emotions a person experiences after a loss can turn into something more debilitating. When a loss is so significant that it overwhelms your ability to process and make sense of it, you can get “stuck” in the grieving process. This is what the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (the DSM) refers to as Prolonged Grief Disorder. It shares many of the same symptoms as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and just like PTSD, it can completely derail a person’s ability to function.

For example, men are approximately 9 times more likely to die of suicide following a divorce than men who do not experience this particular loss. Men are also at increased risk of experiencing a prolonged depressive episode after losing a job. Parents who lose a child (or children) are likely to experience severe depression, which may last for years or even decades following their child’s death.

Again – and I can’t emphasize this enough – a diagnosis of Prolonged Grief Disorder does not mean the person is grieving incorrectly. For whatever reason, they just didn’t have the resources they needed to integrate that loss into their lives and continue moving forward. They got stuck in their grief, and they may need some help getting unstuck.  

Symptoms of Prolonged Grief Disorder

If you, or someone you know, experienced a loss a relatively long time ago and are experiencing some of the following symptoms, it might be a good idea to seek help from a mental health professional, to see if you or your loved one might benefit from additional support or treatment:

• Identity disruption (such as feeling as though part of oneself has died).
• Marked sense of disbelief about the death.
• Avoidance of reminders that the person is dead.
• Intense emotional pain (such as anger, bitterness, sorrow) related to the death.
• Difficulty with reintegration (such as problems engaging with friends, pursuing interests, planning for the future).
• Emotional numbness (absence or marked reduction of emotional experience).
• Feeling that life is meaningless.
• Intense loneliness (feeling alone or detached from others).

Grief can be an excruciatingly painful experience, and moving through the grieving process can be one of the hardest things we face as humans. The good news is that we all go through it, which means there is a ton of support out there for anyone who is struggling to understand what happened to them or why, and needs help navigating their way through the grieving process.

The post Navigating Grief: Expert Tips for Healing and Processing appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.