But what about divorce? Do we go through these same 5 stages of grief? And does the person initiating the divorce go through the same stages of grief as the person who doesn’t want the marriage to end?

Divorce and Loss

First, let’s take a moment to identify the losses that come with divorce. Obviously there’s the loss of a marriage, but we are also grieving our own future. No one gets married expecting to get divorced; rather, we anticipate spending our entire future with that person. We make financial decisions based on a shared vision of our future, we create shared friend groups, attend the same church, get close to our partner’s family. All of this is based on an assumption that we are building a lasting future together as a couple. For those of us who have children, we plan to raise those children together, celebrating this family we’ve created. We talk about where we want to live when our kids leave the nest, what trips we want to take, what hobbies we might pursue together, we imagine ourselves growing old next to that person we vowed to love ‘till death do us part.

And now that future is gone. Granted, we may still have a future with that person, especially if we are co-parenting with them, but it’s going to look a lot different than we previously envisioned, and probably not in a good way. So when we talk about loss as it relates to divorce, we are talking about the loss of plans, dreams, hopes, and expectations. On top of that, many of us also experience the loss of financial security, mutual friends, and our partner’s family. If we’re coparenting, we also lose time with our children. That’s a lot of loss, which means there’s a lot to grieve.

5 Stages of Divorce Grief

It’s normal to have a lot of conflicting feelings when going through a divorce, and it’s also normal to experience these feelings at all different times. It’s also important to note that you might experience these feelings differently if the divorce is mutual, if you’re the one initiating the divorce, or if your spouse is initiating. You might feel depressed one moment and anger in the next– this blog post will be dissecting some of these feelings and how you can cope through each:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

1. Denial

For the person initiating the divorce, they will have gone through much of the grieving process before telling their partner they want a divorce. What that looks like will vary from person to person. For example, there is usually a period of time when they may deny that they are no longer invested in the marriage by keeping busy at work or with friends, or stating they want to go to couples therapy but then making little to no effort outside of therapy to work on the marriage.

For the person who does not want the marriage to end, grieving begins the moment their partner announces they want a divorce. The rejected spouse may refuse to go to mediation or hire an attorney, they won’t sign any papers or tell their parents that the marriage is over. They still plan family vacations and try to act as if none of this is actually happening. 

That said, in my observation the Denial stage usually begins well before that moment, albeit outside their conscious awareness. Most unhappy spouses are quite vocal about their marital dissatisfaction for months, if not years, before announcing the divorce. For whatever reason, however, their partner could not hear it for what it was, and are then legitimately shocked to learn the marriage is over.

2. Anger

For the person initiating the divorce, they may start to show anger toward their spouse for not being the kind of partner they wanted, becoming hypercritical, leaving their partner to feel as though nothing they do is right.

Anger often starts building long before the initiator says the words out loud. It can come from years of feeling unheard, unmet needs, or repeated conflicts that never get resolved. That frustration can make it hard to communicate openly, leading to resentment and shutting down instead of working through issues. It can also cloud judgment, making decisions feel reactive rather than thoughtful.

Anger doesn’t always stay within the relationship—it can spill over into work, friendships, or even self-criticism, showing up as irritability, impatience, or burnout. Some people push it down to avoid confrontation, while others become more reactive, interpreting everything their partner does through a lens of frustration. Often, this anger is a warning sign that the relationship is in trouble, even before the decision to leave feels final. Working through these emotions with anger management therapy can help process them in a healthier way, making it easier to approach divorce with clarity rather than resentment.

The Anger stage can be the scariest one for the partner initiating the divorce, for reasons that make national headlines on a regular basis. Thankfully, most rejected spouses are just angry, not dangerous, though it can still be an acutely painful and scary time for the leaving spouse and any children who get caught in the mix.

For the spouse who wasn’t expecting the divorce, anger often comes with a mix of betrayal, rejection, and deep hurt. They may feel blindsided, wondering how long their partner has been planning to leave and why they weren’t given a chance to fix things. The realization that their partner’s anger had been building in silence can feel like deception, leaving them to question the authenticity of their shared past. This sense of abandonment can trigger intense emotional reactions, ranging from lashing out in frustration, to withdrawing in pain.

In some cases, this anger can become all-consuming, fueling destructive behaviors like blaming, retaliation, revenge, or attempts to regain control. Feelings of powerlessness can escalate into resentment, making even necessary conversations feel impossible. The mix of anger and grief can also lead to self-doubt—wondering if they were ever truly loved or if they somehow caused the relationship’s breakdown. These are all relatively normal feelings, but without support, these emotions can spiral, making healing and closure even more difficult.

3. Bargaining

The Bargaining stage can take any number of shapes. I think affairs often fall under this heading, as an attempt by the person to find happiness without having to leave the marriage (“If I can just find a way to be happy without getting divorced, maybe divorce won’t be necessary). Same goes with getting a new job, or spending more money on trips and possessions, or moving the family to a new city: all can be attempts to find happiness within a marriage that is effectively already over.

Bargaining is often more straightforward with the rejected spouse, who may insist they will make all the changes the leaving spouse has requested in the past, in order to save the marriage, only to find their promises have come too late.

4. Depression

For the person initiating the divorce, depression often sets in long before they make the final decision. The weight of emotional exhaustion, unspoken resentment, and the fear of upending their life can lead to deep withdrawal from the relationship. They may find themselves disengaging—going through the motions but feeling emotionally disconnected. This isolation isn’t just from their partner; they might also pull away from friends and family, struggling to share the turmoil they’re experiencing.

Guilt and self-blame are very common during this stage, especially if they still care about their partner but know the relationship isn’t working. They may question whether they tried hard enough or worry about being seen as the “bad guy” for leaving. This internal struggle can be overwhelming, leading many to seek therapy as they try to process their emotions, find clarity, and work through the grief of letting go.

Depression is the second most worrisome stage of the grieving process for the rejected spouse, as this is when we see spikes in suicide, especially among men, who are far more likely to be the rejected spouse in heterosexual divorce situations.

For the spouse who didn’t initiate the divorce, the depression stage can be devastating, often hitting after the initial shock and anger wear off. Feelings of rejection, abandonment, and grief can lead to deep sadness, hopelessness, and a loss of self-worth. They may replay conversations, searching for where things went wrong, or blame themselves for not seeing the signs sooner. This emotional pain can also bring physical symptoms like fatigue, changes in appetite, or difficulty sleeping, making even basic daily tasks feel overwhelming.

Behaviorally, they might withdraw from social connections, struggling to engage in activities they once enjoyed. Some become consumed by the past, fixating on memories of the relationship, while others feel numb, going through life on autopilot. Motivation can plummet, and in some cases, depression can spiral into deeper mental health struggles, especially if they lack a strong support system. Seeking therapy during this stage can be crucial in helping them process their grief, regain a sense of stability, and start rebuilding their life.

5. Acceptance

For the person initiating the divorce, the Acceptance stage is when they tell their partner the marriage is over. The grieving process does not end there, however. Many will feel a tremendous sense of relief following their decision to leave the marriage. Often, they will take this as a sign that they made the right choice and are ready to move on, having accepted that the marriage is over and taken the first and hardest step toward making it official. Rarely does this play out as expected, however.

Check out our top ten book recommendations for someone going through a divorce.

How Long Does Grief Last After Divorce?

Because the divorce process itself can be so emotionally challenging, and as they witness the fallout from their decision and the losses become more real, the leaving spouse will often go through a second grieving process, one they did not necessarily anticipate.

It can take the rejected spouse a long time to get to the Acceptance stage. I’ve seen rejected spouses cycle through the previous four stages for months or years – sometimes even decades – after the divorce is final.

At this point you may be wondering, Do people ever get to the Acceptance stage after divorce and leave the grief behind? The answer: Usually, but not always. Most of us know people who have been divorced for years and still talk about their ex with the same bitterness they had when it was fresh. 

So what does acceptance look like? Initially, I believe it looks like indifference. Once you’ve let go of all your big feelings, accepting that the relationship is over and you will be moving on with your life without that person by your side, you may feel indifferent toward them. From there, as you continue to heal, you may notice some positive feelings emerge, as you incorporate both the negative and the positive parts of your history together, forming an adaptive and holistic narrative that allows you to move forward with your life, beyond the grief, a little stronger and wiser than you were before.

How to Cope with Divorce Grief

If you are struggling to get to this final stage of grief following your divorce, I would encourage you to reach out to a therapist with experience working with divorcing and divorced individuals. There are also support groups for people affected by divorce, which can help mitigate the loneliness and feelings of isolation that often accompany divorce. With the right supports in place, I believe anyone can learn to accept their divorce and move forward with their life, no matter the circumstances. 

Need some help navigating the stages of divorce grief? Contact the experts at Ellie Mental Health today for support.

The post Examining the Grieving Stages of Divorce appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.

The Science of Solitude: Understanding Loneliness and Mental Health

Recent neuroscientific research has revealed that loneliness operates much like physical pain in our brains. When we feel socially isolated, the same neural circuits that process physical injuries become activated, highlighting why this emotional state can feel so genuinely painful. This biological response serves an evolutionary purpose – throughout human history, social connection has been crucial for survival.

Studies published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology Studies have demonstrated that chronic loneliness can initiate a cascade of neurobiological changes. The brain’s stress response system becomes hyperactive, flooding our bodies with cortisol and other stress hormones. This physiological state can manifest in various ways:

The impact extends beyond our emotional state. Longitudinal studies have shown that sustained loneliness can alter gene expression in ways that suppress our immune system’s functioning. The relationship between mind and body becomes particularly evident as chronic loneliness correlates with increased inflammation markers, potentially contributing to various health conditions.

Nurturing Connection: Evidence-Based Approaches to Reducing Loneliness

Rather than viewing loneliness as a personal failing, contemporary psychology encourages us to recognize it as a natural signal – much like hunger or thirst – that alerts us to our fundamental need for meaningful connection. Here are research-supported strategies for nurturing social bonds during the holiday season:

Cultivate Meaningful Interactions

The quality of our social interactions often matters more than their quantity. Research from the Harvard University Study of Adult Development, which has tracked participants for over 80 years, suggests that deep, authentic connections contribute more significantly to emotional well-being than numerous superficial interactions. Consider:

• Engaging in “active-constructive responding” when others share good news, showing genuine enthusiasm and asking questions
• Practicing vulnerability by sharing your own experiences and emotions with trusted friends or family members
• Creating opportunities for shared experiences, even in small ways, like having a virtual coffee date or taking a winter walk with a neighbor

Embrace Community Engagement

Participation in community activities can provide what sociologists call “social scaffolding” – structures that naturally support the development of connections. Research published in the Journal of Happiness and Health Studies has shown that volunteering not only reduces loneliness but also increases overall life satisfaction. Consider:

• Joining local interest groups that align with your passions
• Participating in community service projects
• Attending cultural events or workshops in your area

Practice Self-Compassionate Solitude

While addressing loneliness is crucial, learning to find peace in solitude can be equally important. Mindfulness research suggests that cultivating a kind, accepting relationship with ourselves can help transform moments of aloneness into opportunities for growth and reflection. Consider:

• Developing a gentle self-care routine that honors your emotional needs
• Engaging in creative activities that bring you joy
• Maintaining a gratitude journal to notice and appreciate life’s small pleasures

Seek Professional Support

Sometimes, loneliness can become entangled with deeper psychological challenges. Mental health professionals, like those Ellie Mental Health, can provide valuable support in understanding and addressing these complex emotions. Research indicates that cognitive-behavioral therapy can be particularly effective in helping individuals develop healthier thought patterns and coping strategies among other methodologies that are catered to the unique needs of the person seeking help.

Building Resilience Through Connection

As we navigate the holiday season, it’s essential to remember that experiencing loneliness doesn’t reflect a personal shortcoming but rather speaks to our fundamental human need for connection. By understanding the science behind loneliness and approaching it with self-compassion, we can begin to build more resilient social connections and nurture our mental health.

Remember that healing from loneliness is often a gradual process, much like tending to a garden. Some days may feel more challenging than others, but each small step toward connection – whether reaching out to an old friend, joining a community group, or simply practicing self-compassion – contributes to our emotional well-being.

In this season of reflection and renewal, let us approach our experiences of loneliness not with judgment but with understanding, knowing that our yearning for connection reflects one of the most fundamental and beautiful aspects of our humanity.

The post The Hidden Burden of Loneliness: Understanding and Nurturing Mental Health During the Holidays appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.

This blog post explores how gratitude can actually help to reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety, strengthen your relationships, and build emotional resilience and how to get started.

How Gratitude Rewires Your Brain

Research has shown that regularly practicing gratitude can improve mental health, increase life satisfaction, and even boost physical health. By shifting our focus from what we lack to what we have, gratitude allows us to adopt a more positive and appreciative perspective.

The Power of Gratitude on Depression

A pivotal study conducted by psychologist Dr. Robert Emmons, a leading gratitude researcher, found that people who regularly engage in gratitude practices report higher levels of happiness and lower levels of depression. Emmons suggested that gratitude helps shift focus away from negative thoughts and provides a more positive outlook on life, which can help fight depression and it’s symptoms.

Gratitude and Anxiety cannot coexist study

Cindy Stellers completed a study exploring the power of gratitude in tackling anxiety. The idea? Gratitude and anxiety can’t coexist. The finding? Focusing on the good stuff—those little moments of joy and thankfulness—can dial down anxiety levels. Those who made gratitude a daily habit found their minds less crowded with worries and felt a significant boost in well-being. According to Stellers, gratitude serves as a protective mental shield, shifting our attention from stress to positivity. This leaves less room for anxious thoughts to take hold. This means that weaving gratitude into the fabric of our everyday lives could be a remedy for anxiety symptoms. It’s a testament to the power of gratitude, showing its potential to transform our emotional world, pushing anxiety into the shadows.

Benefits of Gratitude

Gratitude Enhances Relationships

Expressing gratitude to partners, friends, and colleagues can enhance relationships. A simple thank you or acknowledgment of someone’s efforts can strengthen bonds and foster a sense of connection.

Gratitude Boosts Resilience

Life is full of challenges, but gratitude can help build resilience. By focusing on positive aspects, even during tough times, gratitude helps us cope better and bounce back faster.

Gratitude Improves Mental Wellbeing

Regularly practicing gratitude can reduce stress and enhance overall mental wellbeing. Cultivating gratitude can lead to a happier and more fulfilled life, with decreased anxiety and depression.

Incorporating Gratitude into Your Life

Start a Gratitude Journal

One practical way to cultivate gratitude is by keeping a gratitude journal. Each day, jot down three things you are thankful for. This simple practice can help shift your focus toward positivity.

Create a Gratitude Jar

This is a great way to involve kids in practicing gratitude. You could read this book about gratitude together and then every day add things into your gratitude jar. At the end of the month, open the jar and read what everyone wrote.

Express Gratitude to Others

Don’t keep the gratitude to yourself. Share it with others. Whether it’s a heartfelt thank you note or a verbal acknowledgment, letting others know you appreciate them can make both of you feel good.

Practice Mindfulness

Take a few minutes each day to practice mindfulness and reflect on what you’re grateful for. This can be through meditation or simply pausing to contemplate the positive aspects of your life.

Focus on the Present

Gratitude helps us live in the moment. Instead of worrying about the future or dwelling on the past, gratitude encourages us to appreciate what we have right now.

Teaching Your Kids to Practice Gratitude

Encouraging kids to practice gratitude can set the foundation for a positive and fulfilling life. Begin a journey of gratitude with your little ones, setting the stage for a fulfilling life filled with positivity. Lead by example by expressing your thankfulness in the everyday, letting them witness gratitude in real time. Thank your partner for doing the dishes or thank your sister for who made dinner, because saying “thank you” shouldn’t be awkward or an afterthought!

Invite your kids to join in activities that encourage them to express their thankfulness, like drawing or writing about what makes their heart happy. Make gratitude a daily ritual, perhaps over dinner or before tucking them in, by sharing the day’s highlights that made you grateful. Involve them in random acts of kindness, from writing thank-you notes to helping a neighbor, to underscore the importance of appreciation. These simple yet powerful practices can help your kids grasp the concept of gratitude, shaping a habit that will enrich their lives.

How to Practice Gratitude When You’re Depressed (or When Things Aren’t Going Well)

We get it—practicing gratitude when feeling depressed can be challenging, but even small efforts can make giant impacts. One thing that I often recommend to clients who are right in the middle of a depressive episode is to write down one or two things each day that make you feel better or bring even a small sense of relief… maybe that is a cup of coffee, cuddles from your cat, sunshine after a rainy day, etc. If writing isn’t your thing, you can also tell them to a friend or tell them to your dog—it’s the reflecting part that is helpful.

Another thing that I recommend is listening to a guided meditation about gratitude – it doesn’t take much effort, but it can help shift your thoughts away from negativity or anxiety. Here’s one I recently recorded that you might find helpful!

Conclusion & the Importance of Gratitude

Gratitude is more than just a feeling! Incorporating gratitude into daily life can have transformative effects on our mental and emotional health. Research by Dr. Robert Emmons and Cindy Stellers highlights that gratitude can combat depression, reduce anxiety, and improve resilience. Whether you’re making a gratitude list, saying a heartfelt ‘thanks’ to your loved ones, or teaching your kids to recognize and express gratitude, small steps can create big changes. Go on, take a moment to cherish the little things—it’s your first stride towards a happier, healthier life.

The post The Power of Gratitude: Neuroscience and Practice Tips appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.

If only I was smarter, prettier, stronger, funnier, more successful, braver, or less awkward…

And when you’re rejected in a relationship, the loneliness that comes after can feel unbearable. So how do you pick up the pieces of your broken heart and move onward? In this blog we’ll discuss how you can care for yourself, reflect, reframe your mindset, process your emotions, reaffirm your self-worth, and learn to try again.

Rejection got you down in the dumps? Get matched with your perfect therapist today.

Why Does Rejection Hurt So Much?

Rejection hurts because people – even the most introverted or self-sufficient of us – long for human connection. At our cores, we want to be accepted, cherished, respected, appreciated, and loved. However, the harsh reality is that no one can be accepted by everyone. Even the most successful and popular humans deal with their fair share of scrutiny, criticism, and rejection.

And no, you’re not overly sensitive or weak if you feel like a forgotten avocado that’s been left in the fridge to rot. Rejection can make you feel completely awkward, unlovable, and unworthy. And at the end of it all, even after all the pain rejection has made you feel, you might find that you still long for the acceptance of the person who rejected you.

How Does Relationship Rejection Impact Your Life?

Being rejected by someone you love can make you feel completely awkward, unlovable, and unworthy. It can have a deep, lasting impact on how you view yourself and others. Even after all the pain rejection has made you feel, you might find that you still long for the acceptance of the person who rejected you.Here’s a few of the ways rejection in relationships can cause long-term hurt:

Rejection Can Lower Your Self-Worth

It’s easy to see how rejection can make you feel bad about yourself. If the people you care about want nothing to do with you, then the issue must be you – right?

Wrong. People have many reasons for rejecting someone, and it might have nothing to do with your shortcomings. And sure, you might not have measured up to that individual’s wants or expectations, but their opinion is just that – an opinion.

It’s important to understand that rejection is often more about the rejecter than the rejectee. Sometimes, people who struggle with commitment or are struggling with their own mental health issues will reject others when they feel they are starting to get too close. They may be trying to save themselves from heartbreak. So maybe the time-old saying “it’s not you, it’s me” has more truth to it than you (and the person saying it) might even realize.

Rejection can also lead to a trauma response when triggered. Mood tracking for trauma triggers can be a great way to understand these triggers and how to navigate them.

Rejection Can Cause Anxiety

If rejection has had a deep impact on your mental wellbeing, it stands to reason you’ll want to do whatever you can to avoid feeling that way again. A fear of being rejected can cause anxiety in many areas. You might become more socially anxious and avoid putting yourself out there and making new friends. You may stop giving your opinion, attempting new things, applying for a new job, or doing anything out of your comfort zone because you fear you might make a mistake, make a fool of yourself, displease others, or be rejected once again.

Rejection Can Impact Future Relationships

Past rejection can make you jealous, distrustful, or distant in future relationships. Rejection anxiety can cause you to be constantly on the look out that your partner is showing signs of leaving. You might develop unhealthy attachment patterns.

You might feel very insecure in the relationship and find you change your behaviors, avoid certain conversations, or put your needs last to avoid rejection. And you might feel emotionally dependent on your partner, looking to them to validate your worth and fill your time.

On the other hand, you might feel you become distant and unavailable in future relationships – or you might avoid intimate relationships completely. You might become detached, put up walls, or leave a relationship to avoid being rejected.

Rejection Can Feel a Lot Like Grief

When you’ve been rejected by someone, you’ve lost someone who is important to you and you’ll likely need time to grieve. If you were rejected by a crush or a romantic partner, not only are you likely feeling pretty bad about yourself, but you’re also having to come to terms with the loss of that person from your life. The same is true for rejection from a friend or even a work opportunity – it can be hard to part ways with a dream, goal, or person you hoped for a future with.

Rejection Can Make You Feel Lonely

Rejection can make you feel utterly alone. If you begin to put up walls or think badly of yourself, this can only compound your loneliness. You might withdraw from your loved ones and avoid building close relationships with others. You might feel stuck in your own head and struggle with a tornado of painful thoughts and emotions. You might blame yourself for the rejection and think you’re the defective one, or you might become angry at the world.

How to Cope With Rejection

So what can you do when you’re in the throes of rejection? As you can see, being rejected isn’t just something you can brush off. You can’t just “suck it up” and assume the pain, anxiety, grief, and loneliness will just go away.

No matter what we tell ourselves, everyone wants deep, satisfying relationships – whether that’s with a close friend or a romantic partner. This is why it’s so essential to reflect on the rejection and openly address how it’s made you feel – rather than brush it aside and move on.

Here are some healthy ways you can deal with rejection:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings

Accept how the rejection has made you feel. Take time to reflect on the situation and accept what happened. Consider journaling, mood tracking, or talking through the situation with someone you trust.

2. Practice Self-Affirmations and Gratitude

Remember the amazing BA that you are. List some of the things you love about yourself – even if it feels weird. Self-affirmations can be statements like “I am a creative and passionate person.” Or “I am a loyal friend.” And take some time to reflect on the things you’re grateful for.

3. Practice Self-Compassion

Sometimes one of the hardest things about being rejected is thinking back on the things you could have done differently. Maybe you said something cringy or didn’t express your emotions in quite the right way. If you’re keeping a track record of everything you shouldn’t have done or could have done better, have some grace and compassion with yourself. No one is perfect, and you can’t expect yourself to be. Learn to forgive yourself and come to peace with your past actions.

4. Focus on Activities you Enjoy

Understand that dealing with rejection is hard and you deserve to show yourself a little extra love during this time. Remember your goals, your passions, and your hobbies. Practice self-care and indulge yourself with your favorite activities. Find therapeutic activities that allow you to express yourself, decompress, and heal. Art, exercise, music, writing, and getting outdoors are all great options.

5. Spend Time With Loved Ones

After being rejected, your first instinct might be to hide away and dwell in a self-made shell of sorrow. However, surrounding yourself with the people you’re closest with can remind you that you’re valued and that you have some amazing people in your circle. You don’t even need to talk about the rejection if you don’t want to – just being in the presence of others who accept and see the best in you can help you remember your worth.

6. Talk About How You’re Feeling

An outside perspective can be valuable in the face of rejection. Living in your own head can be isolating. Getting it out in the open and talking through the situation with someone you can trust can take a huge weight off your shoulders. A therapist can provide valuable insight and help you process the event and work toward healthy attachment and relationship building.

Things to Avoid When Dealing with Rejection

• Obsessing over changing the person’s mind
• Thinking you need to change yourself to be accepted
• Beating yourself down or blame yourself for the outcome
• Overanalyzing the situation
• Withdrawing from loved ones
• Ignoring how you feel and “suck it up”
• Committing to never trying again

Looking for more resources to improve your relationships? Check out our list of 10 relationship books we recommend.

Next Steps: Moving on and Trying Again

So what does life after rejection look like? To pave a healthy path onward, you need to be aware of rejection’s impact on your life and be intentional in moving your healing forward. It’s also important to understand that your response to rejection is tied to other factors – events from your childhood, past trauma, your attachment style, or an existing mental health condition can all affect how severely rejection impacts you.

If you’re struggling to move forward and are struggling with building a strong relationship following a rejection, a therapist can help you identify negative patterns that are holding you back. This can look like individual therapy, where you’ll unpack how you’re feeling one-on-one with a therapist. Or, if you’re currently struggling in a relationship, couples counseling can help you understand how a fear of rejection or other factors is getting in the way of true intimacy and connection.

Ellie Mental Health is here to help you find a therapist that’s just right for you so you can get unstuck, get treatment for mental health issues like depression or anxiety, build emotional resilience, and develop strong relationships built on a foundation of intimacy and trust.

Ready to find a therapist you can vibe with in a city near you? Get started on your healing journey today.

The post How to Deal with Rejection and Loneliness in Relationships appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.

Here are Some Tips to Help you When Coming Out:

1. Before coming out, take the time to explore and understand your own sexuality or gender identity. Reflect on your feelings, experiences, and desires, and identify the labels that resonate with you (If you don’t find one, that’s okay too! Labels are only helpful if YOU find them helpful). Understanding and accepting yourself is an essential first step in the coming out process!

Journaling can be a great way to reflect on your gender identity or sexuality if you’re not ready to talk to someone.  Here are some journaling prompts for coming out:

How do I currently perceive my gender identity or sexuality?

• Which labels resonate with me, and what is the reasoning behind them? How do I feel about labels?

What feelings arise when I contemplate my gender or sexuality?

• What emotions do I experience when I think about this aspect of my identity? Is it excitement, fear, relief, or something entirely different?

What past experiences have influenced my understanding of my identity?

• Are there particular memories or moments that have helped clarify my gender or sexual identity? In what ways have these experiences shaped my perspective?

What fears or concerns do I have regarding coming out?

• What are my primary worries about the process of coming out, and what should I do about these worries?

What excites me about the prospect of coming out?

• How might coming out positively affect my life? What transformations do I hope to see following this step?

Who in my life do I trust the most when it comes to sharing my identity, and why?

• Who are the individuals I feel most comfortable confiding in, and what makes them seem like a safe choice? How do I think they’ll respond?

What boundaries do I have regarding sharing my identity?

• What am I willing to share with others, and what aspects of my identity do I wish to keep private?

What support systems can I rely on during this journey?

• Are there specific people, communities, or resources I can turn to for encouragement and guidance?

How do I wish to celebrate and honor my identity, even if I’m not ready to come out?

• In what ways can I embrace and affirm my gender or sexuality privately or with trusted individuals?

What does self-acceptance signify for me?

• How do I define self-acceptance, and what steps can I take to fully embrace myself as I explore my identity?

2. Decide who you want to tell and when you want to tell them. Pick a time and place where you feel safe, comfortable, and supported. We recommend starting with someone that you trust, like a close friend or family member that you know will be accepting and supportive. This can give you the confidence to come out to others.

3. Be prepared for different reactions. Keep in mind that some people may react differently to your coming out, ranging from acceptance and support to confusion or even rejection. While you can’t control how others will react, you can control how you respond. Be patient and give them time to process the information, and be prepared to answer questions or address concerns they may have.

4. When coming out, be open and honest about your feelings and experiences. Use “I” statements to express yourself, such as “I’ve realized for a long time now that I’m [insert sexuality or gender identity],” and explain what this means to you. Remember though—you don’t owe anyone an explanation and it’s totally fine to have responses like: “I haven’t figured that out yet” or “Can we talk about that when I’m more ready?”

5. Be patient with yourself. Coming out is a process, and it’s okay to take things at your own pace. Self acceptance is an essential part of the coming out journey. 6. Seek out support by surround yourself with other members of the LGBTQIA+ community who can offer you guidance and encouragement. This is crucial!

Consider joining a support group or seeking therapy if you need additional support in navigating your coming out journey.

Find an LGBTQIA+ affirming therapist here.

7. Do your research. Make sure you’re familiar with your legal rights as someone who identifies as LGBTQIA+. This is especially important if you’re in an area where discrimination against sexual orientation or gender identity is a problem.

We also acknowledge that some LGBTQIA+ folks will never be able to come out due to a lack of safety and security within their community, and that is understandable. We can all continue to be allies and continue to create a more welcoming community so this becomes less common.

Setting boundaries with others

When coming out, it’s common for people to have questions about your identity, experiences, or the LGBTQIA+ community in general. While it’s natural for others to be curious, it’s important to remember that you are not obligated to answer anything that makes you uncomfortable. Setting boundaries is a crucial part of the process. You can politely decline to answer certain questions by saying something like, “I’m still figuring that out,” or “I’d prefer not to discuss that right now.” It’s also okay to ask for time and space, or to revisit the conversation when you feel more prepared. Sharing your truth doesn’t mean you have to explain every aspect of your identity—your comfort and well-being should always come first.

Final Thoughts

Coming out is a significant milestone, but it’s only one part of your broader journey of self-discovery and acceptance. While the process can be daunting, it’s also an opportunity to live more authentically and find communities that support and celebrate who you are. It’s important to move at your own pace and prioritize your well-being throughout. You are not alone in this process, and whether or not you choose to come out, there is a vibrant, supportive community ready to embrace you as you are. Remember, you are valid and deserving of love, acceptance, and happiness.

You are not alone, and there is a supportive community ready to embrace and celebrate you for who you are here at Ellie.

The post 7 Tips for Coming Out from Our Therapists appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.

This blog post is based on an interview with experts Erin Pash, LMFT and Heather Reidinger, LMFT. We’re chatting about how therapy can amp up your communication skills, uncover those sneaky root issues, and lay out some fun steps to rekindle that emotional and physical flame with your partner. So, if you and your boo are in the intimacy struggle bus, keep reading to see how a little professional help can steer you towards a more vibrant relationship!

The Interview:

The Experts:

Erin Pash, LMFT

Heather Reidinger, LMFT

Miranda Barker, LICSW

Understanding the Importance of Intimacy and Sex in Relationships

Intimacy is more than just physical closeness. It’s about vulnerability, curiosity, and communication. Erin highlighted that intimacy often diminishes first as life’s responsibilities grow, leading to a range of relational issues. Heather emphasized that talking about sex at all stages of life acts as preventative care for a relationship.

Common Challenges Couples Face

Fear of Judgement and Rejection

Many people find it difficult to discuss their own sexual needs and desires because they’re afraid of judgment or rejection. Erin pointed out that a significant barrier is the culturally ingrained modesty around our bodies and sexuality, resulting in couples struggling to talk openly about their needs. Plus, there’s a huge level of vulnerability that is needed when talking about what you need or want!

Body Image and Postpartum Changes

Heather shared insights on the impact of body image issues, especially post-pregnancy for many people. She noted that many women experience grief over their postpartum bodies, which can affect their intimate relationships. Erin also touched on how body acceptance movements are helping to challenge outdated norms and encourage more open conversations.

Different Levels of Desire and Preferences

It’s rare for couples to have perfectly matched sexual desires and intensity. Erin suggested that mismatched sex drives can be addressed by focusing on the quality of intimacy rather than the quantity, scheduling intimate moments, and incorporating more foreplay into their routine.

How Couples Therapy Can Help

Couples therapy? You bet it’s a game-changer when things get tough (and even before then). Here are several ways it can help:

1. Facilitated Communication

Therapists provide a safe, neutral environment where couples can openly discuss their issues without fear of judgment. This structured setting encourages honest communication about deeply personal topics like intimacy and sex.

2. Identifying Root Causes

Therapists are trained to help couples identify the underlying causes of their intimacy struggles. These might be rooted in past traumas, cultural norms, body image issues, or medical conditions. By pinpointing these root causes, couples can actually address them more effectively.

3. Developing Healthy Communication Skills

In couples therapy, we don’t just chat. We craft the language of love. We teach you to voice your dreams, fears, and hopes in ways that honor your partner and fuel progress. Together, we strengthen the bedrock of your bond, turning hurdles into stepping stones.

4. Creating Safe Spaces for Vulnerability

Embracing vulnerability isn’t always easy, but it’s truly rewarding. Couples therapy offers a place for partners to open up, paving the way for a stronger bond.

5. Psychoeducation

Therapists are here to guide you through normal sexual behaviors, debunk the myths, and enlighten you about sexual anatomy and function. Pyschoeducation is a great way to say goodbye to anxieties and misconceptions.

6. Practical Tools and Exercises

Therapy sessions can include practical exercises and homework designed to improve intimacy. For example, therapists might suggest scheduling intimate moments, engaging in extended foreplay, or experimenting with new types of physical closeness–  see some specific tips below.

7. Medical and Psychological Referrals

If medical or physical problems are a barrier to intimacy, therapists can provide referrals to appropriate medical professionals. They can also work in conjunction with these professionals to ensure a holistic approach to treatment.

8. Normalizing and Destigmatizing Issues

Couples often feel isolated or ashamed about their intimacy struggles. Therapy helps normalize these issues, making it clear that many couples face similar challenges. This can reduce stigma and encourage more open discussion.

9. Rebuilding Trust

For couples dealing with breaches of trust, such as infidelity, therapy can be crucial in rebuilding that trust. Therapists provide strategies for healing and re-establishing a sense of security within the relationship.

10. Enhancing Emotional and Physical Intimacy

Through guided exercises and therapeutic techniques, couples can learn to connect on a deeper emotional and physical level. This enhanced intimacy can reinvigorate their relationship and pave the way for a more fulfilling partnership.

11. Long-term Strategies for Maintaining Intimacy

Therapists can help equip couples with long-term strategies to maintain and improve intimacy. These include regular heart-to-hearts, communication exercises, and ways to continuously explore each other’s needs and desires as the relationship evolves.

Couples therapy is a valuable resource for any couple looking to deepen their connection and overcome the barriers to a more intimate and satisfying relationship. Match with a couples’ therapist near you at Ellie Mental Health.

Actionable Steps for Couples

1. Open the Conversation

• Schedule Conversations: Start by setting a specific time to discuss your relationship and any topics related to intimacy—issues, hopes, ideas, etc. Avoid discussing sensitive topics in the heat of the moment.
• Normalizing Some of the Awkwardness: Understand that discussing sexual preferences can be awkward and uncomfortable at times (especially at first!), but it’s a crucial step toward a healthier relationship.

2. Be Vulnerable and Curious

• Ask Clarifying Questions: Encourage curiosity by asking your partner to elaborate on their needs and desires. Some ideas for questions and conversation starters can be found here.
• Share Without Fear: Create a safe space where both partners can share their fantasies and preferences without feeling judged.

3. Address Medical Concerns

• Seek Medical Advice: If there’s a medical issue, don’t hesitate to consult a healthcare professional. Discussing these issues can often lead to effective solutions.
• Psychoeducation: Educate yourselves about common sexual health issues that may affect intimacy. Need a place to start? Here are some relationship book recommendations our therapists shared, organized by issue or need!

4. Innovative Approaches to Intimacy Our Therapists Shared

• Scheduling Intimacy: Plan intimate moments to ensure that both partners can prepare mentally and physically.
• Sexual Games: Introduce playful elements like dice or cards with different sexual positions to make intimacy fun and adventurous.
• Extended Foreplay: Set a timer to focus on foreplay and build up the intimacy, ensuring that both partners are fully engaged.

Reflecting on Growth

As Heather pointed out, it’s essential to reflect on the growth and progress made in your relationship. Acknowledge the small steps and celebrate the improvements. Remember, therapy is about uncovering the layers and finding new ways to connect deeply with your partner.

Final Thoughts

In a nutshell, figuring out intimacy in a relationship is like embarking on an adventure that needs a map, some teamwork, and a whole lot of heart-to-heart chats! Couples therapy is like having a trusty guide that helps you tackle the tricky stuff, teaches you how to communicate like pros, and boosts that oh-so-important emotional and physical connection. By diving into the treasure chest of tools and wisdom therapy offers, couples can squash those pesky challenges, spice up their intimacy, and craft a relationship that sparkles! Just remember, the path to a fantastic partnership is sprinkled with respect, curiosity, and a dash of growth. Here’s to striding toward a more loving and unshakeable bond!

The post Problems with Intimacy and Sex: How Couples Therapy Can Help appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.

How to Tell if your Partner is Depressed

Have you had concerns about your partner’s mental health recently? Maybe they haven’t been acting like themselves recently or they seem more down or hopeless than usual. It can be unsettling when they seem out of sorts, but it’s beneficial to familiarize yourself with the signs of depression and learn how to provide support if your partner is going through a tough time.

Signs Your Partner is Depressed

• Sad: They might seem down, sad, and tearful. Things that used to make them happy might not anymore.
• Hopeless: They might talk about feeling empty or hopeless
• Sleep issues: They might seem more tired, oversleep, and or have difficulty sleeping
• Physical issues: They might complain of headaches, pains, or have digestive problems
• Short-tempered: They might seem more irritable than normal and snap at you or your kids more easily
• Self-esteem: They might seem down on themselves or more reckless than usual
• Difficulty concentrating: They might seem distracted or restless

If you are worried about a loved one’s mental health, it is crucial to handle the situation with compassion and sensitivity. Although discussing mental health can be challenging, it is essential to address the issue and offer support.

How do I Support my Depressed Partner?

Dealing with a partner who’s going through depression can feel like walking through a foggy forest without a map. But hey, you’re not alone, and there are ways to help your partner feel supported. Here are four tips to keep in mind:

1. Listen Without Fixing

First off, don’t play Dr. Fix-It. Your partner doesn’t need a solution as much as they need a shoulder to lean on. Just listen. Nod your head, say “I hear you,” and let them vent. Sometimes, a listening ear is the best medicine.

2. Encourage Professional Help

It’s totally okay to suggest seeing a therapist or counselor. Mental health pros exist for a reason! Just make sure you approach it gently. You could say something like, “Hey, have you thought about talking to someone who can really help?” It’s not about pushing; it’s about opening a door. You might consider seeking your own professional support and talking about your experience. You could say things like, “I have found talking about this stuff with my therapist about this to be really helpful.”

Sometimes taking that first step to finding a therapist can be really daunting or feel intimidating. Offer to look up therapists near you and help them make that first call (at Ellie we make it easy and you can just fill out a handy-dandy form on your nearest clinic’s page instead and we’ll call them back).

If you’re in school, finances can contribute to stress and depression. Here are tips for how to deal with stress as a student.

3. Be Patient and Present

Depression doesn’t have an expiration date, so patience is key. Be there in the little moments—whether it’s watching their favorite show together or just sitting in silence. Your presence can be really comforting. Remember, this isn’t a sprint; it’s a marathon.

4. Take Care of Yourself Too

You can’t pour from an empty cup, right? Make sure you’re looking after your own mental health as well. Dealing with a depressed partner can be hard. Take breaks, talk to your friends, and maybe even join a support group. Your well-being is just as important.

Hang in there, and remember, that your love and support can make a world of difference. Just by being with them through this tough time is the most helpful thing you can do.

Mental Health Stigma: How to Help a Husband or Boyfriend with Depression

You might be reading this and say, “ok, but my husband (or boyfriend) is depressed and he won’t let me help him.”  We get it—you’re in a tough place. The stigma with men’s mental health is real, and yet over 6 million men (about twice the population of Arkansas) suffer from depression each year.

Men often feel like they need to have everything together or that they can’t show weakness. If your husband is resistant to seeking professional help or even admitting that they’re struggling, start by pointing out what you’re noticing and your concern:

• “I’ve noticed that you haven’t been sleeping much, and I’m concerned. I’m here if you need to talk.”
• “You haven’t been hanging out with your friends as much as usual, are you feeling ok?”
• “You mentioned you haven’t had much of an appetite, is everything ok?”
• “I’ve been worried about you recently. How are you doing?”

What Goes Through a Person with Depression’s Mind

For people who have never experienced depression or other mental health issues, it’s hard to understand what’s happening. If Google search terms are any indication to what is going through a depression person’s mind, it might be something like this:

• “I feel lost”
• “I feel lonely”
• “I am worthless”
• “It’s not going to get better”
• “Why am I so useless?”
• “No one cares”
• “I feel broken”
• “I feel stuck in life”
• “I feel trapped”

Through therapy, a person might learn how to identify those negative thoughts and consider the evidence for and evidence against that thought (this is a typical intervention in CBT). Mindfulness and distraction are also ways that a person might learn to counter those thoughts.

Ellie Mental Health can match you with the perfect therapist for you or a loved one going through depression. Click the link below to find a locations near you today.

What to NOT Say to Someone with Depression

I get it, it’s hard to see something struggling, especially when you don’t understand what’s going on. You want to be able to say “snap out of it” or “why can’t you just find motivation to do it?” If you are someone that is trying to support your loved one with depression (since you’re here, I think you probably are), here are some things NOT to say.

• “Just try to think positively”
• “You have nothing to be sad about”
• “You have it a lot better off than others.”
• “Medication will only be a crutch; you need to get through this on your own.”
• “I cut out caffeine and it cured my depression.” 
• “Why can’t you just get better?”

Gifts for People with Depression

As mentioned before, the best gift you can give to someone who is struggling with depression is the gift of being present (and maybe even encouraging therapy too). But if they’re birthday is rolling around or if they have the love language of gifts, here are some ideas that might help lift their mood or encourage some healthy coping skills as well.

Gifts That Encourage You to Spend Time in Nature

Did you know that spending time outdoors is helpful for people struggling with depression? Sunlight triggers the release of serotonin and vitamin D, plus it can help us disconnect from media and stress. Getting your loved one things or experiences that encourage them to get out in the fresh air is a great idea!

1. National Parks Pass or your own state park pass
2. Hammock
3. Yard games
4. An invitation for a walk or bike ride together
5. A giftcard for outdoor rentals to go hiking, kayaking, or skiing (REI is my go-to outdoor rental place)

Adult Coloring Books

Our art therapists love adult coloring books as a tool for grounding and concentrating on something soothing. Pair these with some gel markers and colored pencils and you are all set! Psst… we loved this one for obvious reasons:

Gifts that Encourage Gratitude

The research around gratitude and depression is astounding: people who have more gratitude also tend to have lower levels of depression [ClinMed Journal]. (Psst… here’s a cool podcast that covers this topic too)

There are great products and tools out there to encourage cultivating gratitude, include this five-minute journal and this kit to practice gratitude all year long.

Meditation Subscription

It’s no secret that meditating is a great relaxation technique and mood booster. One of our therapists shared, “I love the Headspace app for anyone that is looking to get into meditation. It has great guided visualizations and even ones for when you’re having difficulty sleeping.”

Help Normalize What They’re Experiencing

Ok, these might not be “gifts” per se, but sending notes like “I’ve felt that way before” and “I found medication helpful when I was dealing with depression last year” can go a long way. Laughter can also be helpful for many people, so some clever memes about depression might help them feel like they aren’t alone in this struggle. Here are a few of my favorite memes about depression (know your audience before you send these!):

Navigating Depression Together

Remember, you’re not just a partner; you’re a teammate. Be present, be ready to listen, and don’t forget to take care of yourself too. Dealing with depression is tough, but with support, empathy, and a sprinkle of humor, you can both navigate through the difficult times together. Stay strong, stay connected, and know you’re making a difference just by being there.

The post How to Help and Support a Spouse with Depression appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.

I get it, you might be shocked. But keep in mind that your first response is crucial. We have all had that moment where we step out in a new outfit and someone we know hesitates before they say they love it. Or maybe they say that they don’t approve of your taste. 

Similarly, your loved one that is coming out will forever remember how you made them feel in that moment. It is important, of course, to feel your feelings, but in that moment your priority is to support this person.

If you are thinking of coming out to a loved one, check out this article with tips.

First Steps When a Loved One Comes Out to You

Start by creating a judgment free zone. To do this, it might help to put yourself in your loved one’s shoes: They might be feeling scared and vulnerable. While I’m glad that they felt safe enough to tell you their identity, they might not feel very supported or safe if their news was met with tears, confusion, and demanding questions. Additionally, creating a judgment free zone also calls for putting your own biases on the back-burner: you can recognize that this might take some getting used or that this might be hard for you at first, but feeding into these biases or negative feelings can create distance between you and your loved one.

The exception: happy tears. Happy tears are totally welcomed. If you know your loved one has been struggling with their identity for a while and finally felt free enough to tell you, you are allowed to cry with them and hug them (if they want). Some things that a loved one might enjoy to hear you say are:

• Thank you for feeling safe telling me this
• I love you then and now
• I am so proud of you
• Nothing will ever change the way I feel about you

You may have a lot of questions and that is completely understandable. I recommend asking them at a different time; you want this moment to be a memorable one in a positive way. Bottomline: the best way to support your LGBTQIA+ family member or friend is to be an ally.

What Does it Mean to be an Ally?

To be an ally of the LGBTQIA+ community means to be aware and educated of what is going on with the community. An ally is a crucial role. This allows to bring awareness and change to the problems affecting the LGBTQ+ community at large. Here are some tips for how to be a great ally to your loved ones:

• Become educated (learn terms, historical people, etc.)
• Be an active listener and create a judgement free zone (this also means respecting their boundaries when they need space)
• Be aware of current legislation (What is going on in your city or state?) and challenge LGBTQIA+ discrimination and prejudice. If you are not a member of the LGBTQIA+ community yourself, you can use your privilege to combat homophobia.

Safe Questions to Ask LGBTQIA+ Members

At stated previously, asking questions should be reserved to a time after the initial coming out. It was probably really hard for them to be honest and vulnerable. Give them a breather before you start asking all the questions. Allow them time for their fight or flight instinct to relax so that they can answer your questions in a more relaxed state.

That being said, it may be a little uncomfortable to ask questions after the fact. A great buffer would be: “Do you feel comfortable if I ask some questions related to your identity?” If they say no, respect their boundary and ask “When would be a good time for me to talk to you about these things?” If they respond yes, here is a list of questions that may be beneficial to ask (this also depends on the identity that they came out to you as):

• What are your preferred pronouns?
• What name would you like to go by?
• Would you like for me to refer to individuals you date as partner or boyfriend/girlfriend?
• How would you like for me to identify you through past memories?
• Is there anything I can do to make the rest of the family/friends aware?
• Is there anything additional I can do to make you feel safe?
• Is there something that I need to research to feel more educated?

This list is extremely small but a great starting point for conversation. The last bullet point is extremely important: your loved one may feel like it is not their job to educate you on their identity, so it is important to ask if there’s something specific that you need to research in order for them to feel seen and for you to understand them. Additionally, your loved one might not have all of the answers to these questions, and that’s also okay! Allow them time to figure things out, even if that may take a long while. Bottomline: let them know that no matter when they figure out the answer to these questions that you are ready to listen.

We are human and make mistakes… so what happens if I do?

During that initial coming out period is the most crucial to be supportive and understanding. However, it is also important that how you respond then is how you continue to respond. The questions listed above creates a foundation of what your loved one would prefer you to do going forward. It is totally human to forget or to make mistakes, but how you recover from those mistakes means the world.

If you call someone by their deadname (AKA the name that they previously went by) correct yourself immediately and try not to apologize. Again, it is human when a mistake is made to apologize, however keep in mind that if you apologize, you are prompting your loved one to say “It’s okay” when it’s really not.  It’s best to correct yourself with the least amount of attention to make your loved one feel seen.

I often find that parents struggle the most with these changes because they are “mourning their child” or something along those lines. Keep in mind that your child isn’t going anywhere. They are still the amazing, beautiful human that they have always been—but perhaps with an added layer. Remember, this time is not about you. If you are struggling with the identity of your child, Ellie Mental Health offers a variety of resources and therapists available for you to help navigate these feelings, because they are valid, but your loved one does not deserve to comfort you at an extremely vulnerable time in their life.

The rule of thumb is treating your loved one the same way that you treated them before. Again, taking into consideration any changes that they requested. However, you do not need to shower them with rainbow gifts (unless that’s what they want of course). They just want to be treated the same way, but with their new identity.

In Summary…

This advice above is simple, yet often overlooked by so many caregivers and friends of the LGBTQ+ community. So many of us have to find our own families outside of our blood-related ones because of the lack of support of identities. We are still your child. We are still your friend. The lack of support also leads to increased rates of suicide for the LGBTQ+ community. Please do your research and educate yourself on how to assist your loved one. You are an important person in their life and your support could be life-saving.

The post How Should I Respond if Someone Comes out to me as LGBTQIA+? appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.

Every relationship has its challenges. After all, we’re all human and sometimes it feels as if we like to torment each other just for fun. But when it comes to psychological abuse, this is much more serious than the typical relationship obstacles, like arguing over who left an empty carton of ice cream in the freezer.

It’s difficult to spot someone in the act of gaslighting. But unless you want to be questioning your own sanity, learning the key phrases that may be used can help you to regain confidence in yourself and know when you’re being gaslit.

Have you been gaslit? Reach out to Ellie Mental Health and talk to a professional today.

What Is Gaslighting?

In a nutshell, gaslighting is an act of manipulation in which a person attempts to cause you to doubt yourself or cause confusion, often done for malicious personal gain. But the term itself stems from a 1944 film titled Gaslight, in which a woman’s husband attempts to make his wife think she’s losing her mind so he can steal from her by making the gaslights dim – then claiming it was all in her head. Thus today, we have the term gaslighting.

How to Identify Gaslighting: 5 Signs You’re Being Gaslit

If you feel like you’re constantly second-guessing yourself or questioning your reality, you might be experiencing gaslighting. Gaslighting is when someone manipulates you into doubting your own thoughts and feelings, making you feel like you’re losing it. So how do you identify it? Here are the main ways:

• Questioning if you really meant what you said.
• Questioning your motives.
• Questioning your love for someone.
• Questioning your ability to perform simple tasks.
• Questioning reality.

The problem with gaslighting is that if an abuser is savvy enough, you may never know you’re being misdirected. And this verbal sleight-of-hand can be quite convincing if you don’t know what to listen for.

Thankfully, we’re on to these “gaslighters.” They can’t hide forever! And, for the gaslit, we have a few key phrases to discuss that can be helpful indicators for when someone is attempting to pull the wool over your eyes.

For more tips on spotting the signs of a toxic friend, check out our other blog.

Examples of Gaslighting Behavior

Gaslighting is like a mind game where the manipulator messes with your head, leaving you second-guessing your reality. Need some help identifying gaslighting in your own relationships? Here are some common gaslighting behaviors:   

• They play the denial card, brushing off hurtful words or labeling you as hypersensitive.
• They don’t take responsibility and act like you’re to blame. 
• They twist facts, leaving you in a fog of confusion and self-doubt.
• They often downplay your feelings, invalidate you, and make you feel like you’re not important.
• They say things that make you question if something really happened or if your memories are true.

When you spot those actions, you have the opportunity to call them out and set boundaries to protect your mental well-being. By identifying gaslighting, you’re not only standing up for yourself but also creating healthier, more honest connections with the people around you. And that’s something we all deserve.

10 Common Gaslighting Phrases To Listen For

The language used for gaslighting is so common that it’s barely even noticed most of the time. And this subtle touch is what makes it so effective. For example, are you sure you meant what you said yesterday?

It’s this type of sneaky question that will instantly have you replaying events in your mind and questioning your intentions. Unfortunately, it gets even more complicated.

1. “It Was Just a Joke.“

Perhaps the most common gaslighting phrase, “it was just a joke” often occurs when a person says something actually mean, cruel, or hurtful. But this is also sometimes ambiguous. For example, consider the following:

“Why do you always do that? I swear you never made it through kindergarten.”

A phrase such as this could be taken as a joke, but it is also hurtful because it’s directly insulting your intelligence. And when you stand up to defend yourself, an abuser may claim it’s just a joke. But more commonly, they’ll attempt to make you think that they never said it at all. But don’t be fooled!

2. “You’re Just Being Paranoid.”

Another common phrase, accusing you of being paranoid is often a tactic used by someone who is being unfaithful, or by someone trying to make you feel at ease so they can proceed with their agenda. For example, if you ask why they came home so late, they may insist they came home at the usual time. If you ask why they never called to say they were going out, they may claim they called but you must have missed it

Additionally, this may also be accompanied by a subtle accusation such as: “You were gone for two hours the other day and I never questioned you about it. Should I start?”

The key takeaway here is if you have a gut feeling that something is wrong, do a bit of investigating first, find some evidence, and catch the gaslighter in the act.

3. “Do You Really Think I’d Make That Up?”

Anytime a sentence begins with “Do you really think…” it’s usually a clear indication of a gaslighting attempt. This is also an obvious attempt at making you question yourself, and your feelings about the person as well.

This type of question is defensive and is often used when an individual is accused of something, typically lying or embellishing. Essentially, this falls right in line with making you question your own reality and it’s a direct manipulation of your own understanding of trust. In addition, a question such as this can also make you feel guilty about even questioning them in the first place.

4. “You Hurt Me on Purpose.”

Have you ever had an honest mistake thrown in your face? Like that time when you forgot your friend’s birthday, but your friend won’t accept that you forgot and, instead, insists you did it on purpose – and then proceeds to tell you why you did it? This is another classic example of gaslighting.

In this situation, the other person is attempting to tell you why you did something – and your motivations behind it – instead of accepting your personal account of your own behavior.

The fact is, nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. So, don’t get distracted or cause yourself more grief. Remember it’s about them, not you. So, stick to your guns and stand firm.

5. “We’ve Already Talked About This – I Can’t Believe You Don’t Remember.”

Another classic attempt at making you pause and question your memory. Did we really have this conversation? A question like this can weigh heavily on the mind.

When you begin rethinking past scenarios, this causes you to pause and lose focus of what you were upset about, doubt your own memory, and it may even make you drop the conversation altogether – and this is exactly the goal.

6. “Why Do You Always Have to Be Right?”

Everyone likes being right for the most part. Weren’t you so happy when you just knew who the new Bachelorette was and then found out you were right? Sighhh. But this statement is weaponized with projection. No matter what the conversation was about, this is a classic attempt at placing the focus on you instead of them.

When you hear this phrase, take a minute to pause and redirect. Chances are, they’ll try again to place the focus on you. And this is when you know you’re being gaslit.

7. “I’m Not the Only One. All Your Friends Think You’re Crazy Too.”

When it comes to gaslighting, making you feel isolated, alone, or powerless is a key tactic in attempting to make you question yourself. They may even say something like, “All of your friends know about you, too.” Or something similar. And this can be a hard statement to recover from because it instantly makes you question yourself and everyone around you, even your closest friends.

If this occurs, get the truth from your closest friends. Then you’ll know whether or not you’re being gaslit.

8. “You’re Crazy. That Never Happened.”

One of the most classic forms of gaslighting is pretending that something never happened, that whatever you thought occurred was all in your imagination. And they may even say something like, “You’ve always had a great imagination.” Or a similar variation.

If you come to the point when you’re hearing this statement often, chances are you’re being gaslit. And remember, facts trump false statements, so it’s always smart to think about key details when recalling a situation.

9. “You Know That’s Not What I Meant.”

Chances are, that’s exactly what they meant. They’re just trying to avoid taking responsibility for their words or the truth of their intentions. – and make you think that they meant something else entirely.

For example, if someone says, “You’re ridiculous.” That can probably be taken with a grain of salt. But if the statement is something like, “You’re always the problem.” And then they switch gears on you and try to tell you what you should think, or that they meant something else, hit the brakes, and make them get out of the car. Because this is a sure sign of gaslighting.

10. “If You Really Cared About Me, You Wouldn’t Even Think That.”

Using your own love against you is no way for a healthy relationship to operate. And this isn’t just a tell-tale sign of gaslighting, it’s a major red flag. Actually, a giant waving red flag – like the biggest red flag ever.

This attempt is simply to get you to think that you can’t even trust yourself, that you’re the one with ill intentions. And when you start second-guessing your love for someone, this becomes a slippery slope and may even result in damaging your other relationships.

Keeping the Lamp Lit

Though you may be keenly aware that something is just not right, if every time you raise a question and the other person tries to place the focus on you, this is a sure sign that you’re being gaslit – and that the person you’re with is manipulating you in order to get something they want or to keep something hidden.

How to Respond  to Being Gaslit

If you feel you’re being gaslit, choosing how to respond should be done carefully and thoughtfully. And if you’re unsure, there are a few things you can try to keep the lamp lit and not second guess yourself:

• Speak to others about what’s happening
• Don’t argue
• Trust yourself
• Focus on actions – not words
• Separate yourself from the abuse

If you can’t remove yourself from the toxic friendship or relationship, or if you have and you need help coping, treatment and therapy from compassionate mental health experts may be the next best step in helping you to keep the lamp lit and move on from this type of abuse. And always remember, you’re amazing – trust us, we know, and you don’t have to deal with it alone.

Need help with overcoming abuse from gaslighting? Reach out to Ellie Mental Health and talk to a professional today.

The post How to Recognize Gaslighting: 10 Key Phrases to Listen For appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.

Finding your love language can help to expand your relationship and take your marriage, romantic life, or dating relationship to another level. Let’s dive into what these love languages are, and some practical ideas for how to connect with your partner’s love languages.

Ready to strengthen your relationship? Take the next step towards deeper connection.

5 Love Languages

Words of Affirmation

Communication and words are the focus this love language. This might look like using encouraging words, being honest and loving in your communication, and saying things to make your partner feel good (things that you mean, of course!).

Ways words of affirmation can be used in everyday: sending an unexpected note, back and forth text messages throughout the day, compliments, bragging to others about your spouse, and leaving letters for the other partner.

Things to say:

• “You did a great job with the kids today”
• “You always make the best meals”
• “You looked great today.”

Clues that this is your partner’s love language:

A partner looking for validation, approval or compliments is most often communicating their need for words of affirmation (i.e. Does this outfit look okay? How do you like the food?).

Quality Time

If you have this love language, you value one-on-one time and attention. This looks like turning off your phones, removing distractions, and engaging in meaningful time together.

Date ideas: A picnic, an evening stroll, cooking a meal together, watching a movie together, a drive just the two of you, or even an overnight or weekend getaway. Remember that the time spent is more important than the cost of the activity (i.e. doing a target run together might end up being more meaningful than an expensive gift). Quick tip: if this is your partner’s love language, then the act of YOU planning the date night for them is important!

Things to say:

• “Let’s do that together.”
• “Want to come with me?”

Clues that this is your partner’s love language:

They might invite you to do an activity or make suggestions of things to do together (although keep in mind that quality time is needed in any relationship). Come watch a movie with me, come take a walk with me, sit down and talk with me or let’s cook dinner tonight. A partner will communicate their need for quality time often time by asking for more attention and or seeking to be in their partners space more often than desiring to be alone.

Physical Touch

No, we don’t just mean sex. Most often people who feel loved in this way need to be touched often throughout the day. To them, non-verbal body language is comforting and shows that you are present.

Ways physical touch can be used throughout the day: giving partner a massage, cuddling up on the couch and watching a movie, kisses, unexpected hugs, holding hands while in the car or taking a walk, or just being physically close.

Things to say:

• “Come sit next to me.”
• “Do you need a hug?”
• “I love being close to you.”

Clues that this is your partner’s love language:

This one is probably easy to identify—your partner enjoys being close to you and often wants to hold hands or needs to be touched or held when they are sad or upset. Physical touch love language is one that seeks to have touch as a primary connection.

Acts of Service

This means doing kind or helpful things for your partner. Someone with this love language often feels the desire to help ease the load from their partner. However keep in mind that their biggest pet peeve is probably lack of follow-through.

Loving a partner with this love language may look like: Doing a project together, making them breakfast, surprising your partner with a clean house, setting goals together, giving them the opportunity to get some self-care, or going out of your way to help with something they’re dreading (like taking the car in to get its oil changed).

Things to say:

• “Is there anything you need help with right now?”
• “How can I lighten your load?”
• “Let me do that for you.”

Clues that this is your partner’s love language:

They might be asking for help with various things or talking about the need for breaks and feeling burnt out.

Receiving Gifts

If your love language is receiving gifts, it makes you feel loved to know that your partner thought of you and purchased or made it with you in mind. The key to this is thoughtfulness. For example, my mother-in-law once heard me make a comment about a favorite Christmas album and the following year she got me the record—I was floored that she remembered what I had said a whole year later.

Loving a partner with this love language might look like: a thoughtful present, making birthdays or anniversaries special, surprise “just because” gifts, or even a favorite snack from the store. Remember, the love a person feels comes from the thoughtfulness of the gift not simply the gift or monetary value. Keep in mind that one of the worst things you could probably do is forget a special occasion or seem unenthusiastic about a gift.

Things to say:

• “This made me think of you.”
• “I remembered you said how much you love [insert thing here].”

Clues that this is your partner’s love language:

There are several ways one can communicate their love language is receiving gifts. They give gifts, they speak about how important some gift they received was to them, the reminisce about a gift and what it meant to them, and they will say things like I just love when you get me my favorite candy or flowers just because it makes me feel loved.  

Hot tip: Not only do love languages apply to couples or romantic relationships, but it also applies to parent/child relationships and your relationship with yourself. Gary Chapman has books about those relationships and how to recognize love languages within those relationships as well.

Ready to strengthen your relationship? Take the next step towards deeper connection.

The post Exploring Love Languages for a Deeper Connection appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.

Enmeshment, characterized by blurred boundaries and an overly intertwined dynamic, can hinder personal growth and lead to emotional turbulence. Here, we’re going to unravel the complexities of enmeshment, shining a light on the importance of establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries within family relationships.

At Ellie Mental Health, we know that family can be your rock in a time of need, or the one blocking your path. Our goal is to empower you to cultivate balanced and nurturing family dynamics, fostering personal growth and self-discovery.

Are you looking for emotional support for building healthy family relationships? Find an Ellie location near you and get matched with an individual or group therapist who can help.

What Exactly is Enmeshment?

Have you ever felt stuck or trapped? Well, in a nutshell, enmeshment is basically being “entangled” in something; think giant spider web or being stuck in a fishing net. Obviously, neither of those scenarios sounds pleasant nor inviting. And when we apply this term to family situations, enmeshment can seem “sticky” to say the least.

Enmeshment occurs when individual identities within a family become intertwined to the extent that personal boundaries are unclear or nonexistent. While genuine connection is vital, enmeshment can stifle individuality, hinder autonomy, and give rise to emotional dependency.

A major problem if you’re struggling with establishing emotional and physical boundaries is that you might not even realize that you’re involved in an enmeshed relationship with your loved ones.

Recognizing the signs of enmeshment is the first step toward building healthier family dynamics:

1. Lack of Individual Identity: Enmeshed families may struggle with allowing members to develop and express their unique identities. Personal interests, goals, and aspirations may become subsumed by the collective family identity.
2. Difficulty with Independence: Members of an enmeshed family may find it challenging to make decisions independently. There may be a heightened need for validation or approval from other family members before taking action.
3. Emotional Fusion: Emotions become shared rather than individually experienced. The emotional state of one family member has a direct impact on the emotional well-being of others, creating a web of interconnected feelings.
4. Lack of Privacy: Enmeshed families may struggle with maintaining healthy levels of privacy. Boundaries around personal space, thoughts, and emotions may be inadequately defined.
5. Guilt and Manipulation: Guilt can become a powerful tool for maintaining the enmeshed dynamic. Family members may feel compelled to prioritize the needs and desires of others over their own, leading to a cycle of manipulation and guilt.

What Does Living in an Enmeshed Family Look Like?

In most situations, being a close-knit family is a good thing. But let’s be perfectly honest — we all need our space. You may love your sister, but does she really need to scold you about what you should be doing in your professional life, or shame you when you don’t show up for a family dinner? Probably not.

What we’re saying is, it’s possible to be too close for comfort when it comes to certain family members. While being close can be great, having boundaries is necessary for personal growth — and for each individual’s overall well-being.

A few common enmeshed family characteristics include the following:

You Feel Guilty, Stuck, and Angry

The family unit can be a huge part of your success. But if you feel guilty for wanting to go out on your own, pursue goals that you feel passionate about or drawn to, or if you feel like you simply can’t do anything on your own, these are signs of enmeshment.

• Guilt and Obligation: You feel a strong sense of guilt if you pursue your interests or make decisions independent of the family’s wishes.
• Limited Independence: Independence and autonomy are discouraged, making it difficult to develop a strong sense of self.
• Lack of Individual Identity: It’s challenging to establish and maintain your own identity separate from the family unit.

Your Family Members Project Their Insecurities Onto You

Perhaps your father never developed his own identity fully, or maybe your mother lacks self-esteem. And she would never wear that dress, right? Situations like this are fairly common, however, projecting one’s insecurities onto another can be damaging to self-esteem and the development of a distinct sense of self. For example, you may hear comments such as:

• “You need to date someone in your own league.”
• “Dreams don’t pay the bills.”
• “You’re way too ambitious for your own good.”

It’s not uncommon for parents to see their children as extensions of themselves, or for older siblings to do the same. And they may even live vicariously through you from time to time. But you’re you, and they need to understand that. Clear lines must be drawn that separate your life from theirs. So, wear that dress, apply for your dream job, and ask that supermodel out on a date.

You Have Trouble Maintaining Close Friends or Romantic Relationships

You come home from work and don’t want to talk about what’s bothering you, so you give your significant other the cold shoulder. Or, you just didn’t agree with something your friend had to say, so you’ve been blowing them off for weeks. Sound familiar?

Healthy relationships include communication and the sharing of feelings, ideas, and opinions, even if these opinions and ideas aren’t agreed upon — which is OK. Because, in a healthy relationship, opinions and ideas are valued. However, in an enmeshed family, conflicting opinions are often not accepted. In fact, communicating feelings, ideas, and opinions is often avoided in an enmeshed situation because this can cause further emotional turmoil. Learn how to identify emotional triggers in this blog post.

Empowering Change

Breaking free from the effects of enmeshment requires a commitment to establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. Let’s face it, we all want healthy family relationships. While you probably can’t wave a magic wand and change how your parents or siblings act or react, there are plenty of ways to begin establishing boundaries and creating your own space for growth.

Consider the following strategies to empower positive change within your family:

1. Self-Reflection: Begin by reflecting on your own boundaries and recognizing areas where enmeshment may be present. Acknowledge the impact on your individuality and personal growth.
2. Open Communication: Foster open and honest communication within your family. Encourage discussions about individual needs, goals, and desires, and actively listen to each other without judgment.
3. Establishing Boundaries: Clearly define and communicate personal boundaries. This includes respecting individual privacy, allowing for independent decision-making, and supporting each other’s autonomy.
4. Seeking Professional Guidance: If breaking free from enmeshment proves challenging, seeking the guidance of a family therapist or counselor can provide valuable insights and tools for navigating the process.
5. Cultivating Individuality: Encourage and celebrate the pursuit of individual interests and goals. Embrace the diversity within the family and support each member in their journey of self-discovery.

Keep in mind, changing enmeshed family dynamics can be a tall order. This is why individual or group therapy sessions are highly recommended if you continue running into challenges that you can’t overcome on your own.

For parents with younger children, new parent counseling can be beneficial in helping to empower change.

Removing Yourself from Enmeshed Relationships

Breaking free from the effects of enmeshment and building healthier relationships is a courageous step toward cultivating a family environment that nurtures individual strengths and aspirations. As you navigate this journey, remember that change takes time and effort, and progress may come in small, incremental steps. But there’s plenty of room to celebrate small victories along the way!

By fostering open communication, establishing clear boundaries, and supporting each other’s individuality, families can create a space where love and connection coexist with personal autonomy. The end goal is not to sever connections — but to redefine them in a way that allows each family member to thrive independently and contribute to the collective well-being and greater mental health.

In embracing this transformative process, you can break free from the constraints of enmeshment, unlocking the potential for deeper, more meaningful connections. Remember, the journey toward healthier family dynamics is an ongoing exploration — one that leads to greater self-awareness, stronger relationships, and a more fulfilling family life.

As you embark on this path, even if you need a little help, you can find the strength to embrace change, the wisdom to navigate challenges, and the joy of discovering the unique gifts that each family member brings to the tapestry of your shared experience.

Are you dealing with family enmeshment and looking for the emotional space to build healthier relationships? Get started with Ellie Mental Health today.

The post Unraveling Enmeshment: Understanding Healthy Boundaries in Family Relationships appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.

The Past

As Scrooge is accompanied through his past, he encounters himself at various points in his childhood and adulthood through the snapshot of his Christmas memories. The simple joys, the painful moments, the dreams dashed, the triumphs of success… we can all relate to some if not all of these. I have often found that the winter holidays particularly evoke strong memories of loss for both my clients and me. While joyfully singing carols with my child, for example, I feel a pang of sadness as remember my late father singing the same songs with me. During the holidays it can be so important for us to give space for the memories of times long gone by and of people who are no longer in our lives, and to honor both the difficult and the wonderful feelings that arise.

The Present

Even in Victorian England the hustle and bustle we associate with today’s winter holidays were clearly present. There are many expectations of how we observe the holidays, and we may find ourselves hurriedly running through a checklist of things to be done. Most often these expectations are layered onto an already busy life, such that the associated opportunities for holiday cheer feel overwhelming. I at times relate to Scrooge’s defiant “bah humbug” when he is faced with his nephew’s indefatigable Christmas cheer, which I believe speaks to the challenge of beliefs we hold that we should be merry even when our energy in the moment cannot match that. I also see how difficult it can be to hold this holiday spirit when we are aware of tremendously difficult things happening in our world regardless of the hope that this be a season for peace. Though we may not have it within our power to fully change the circumstances of the present moment, taking time for reflection, mindfulness, and connection with both our self and those we care for is as vital this time of year as in any other time.

The Yet to Come

I fully acknowledge the future is tricky. Pondering what may yet be in our lives can bring about a sense of hope or of foreboding (and often both). For Scrooge, reflecting on his past and his present illustrated a path full of fear. Trepidation like this can be the reason a client comes in for therapy (and I have been similarly motivated by this anxiety as a client myself). Other times, hope for connection with what we value most in life leads us to change (whether through therapy or otherwise), as it seems Scrooge was able to learn and enact when he woke on Christmas morning.

I believe Scrooge’s journey across time ultimately cultivated his sense of joy and optimism when he realized his free will to view his life through a different lens. This then opened him up to the vulnerability of connecting with others and the immense purpose this had always had in his life, no matter how disconnected he at times felt from it. Though we will likely not have our own experience of visiting spirits helping us toward transformation, we can all benefit from guides who scaffold our traversing of the challenges of the past, the present, and the future. Therapy is one means toward this, though certainly not the only one. I encourage us all to take a page from Dickens’ A Christmas Carol this holiday season by considering where we are in our journeys and whether the time is right to seek a wise helper in navigating our path through 2024.

Begin Your Transformative Journey with Ellie Mental Health and find a location near you today!

Written by June Ashley, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist and Clinical Director

Ellie Mental Health Denver Tech Center

The post What A Christmas Carol Teaches Us About Ourselves this Holiday Season appeared first on Ellie Mental Health, PLLP.