Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. Most of us recognize these as the 5 Stages of Grief, introduced into the cultural zeitgeist by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in 1969. While there’s some debate as to whether everyone goes through these 5 stages, or in what order, Kubler-Ross’s model continues to serve as a helpful guide when processing events like the loss of a loved one, or dealing with a dire medical diagnosis.
But what about divorce? Do we go through these same 5 stages of grief? And does the person initiating the divorce go through the same stages of grief as the person who doesn’t want the marriage to end?
Divorce and Loss
First, let’s take a moment to identify the losses that come with divorce. Obviously there’s the loss of a marriage, but we are also grieving our own future. No one gets married expecting to get divorced; rather, we anticipate spending our entire future with that person. We make financial decisions based on a shared vision of our future, we create shared friend groups, attend the same church, get close to our partner’s family. All of this is based on an assumption that we are building a lasting future together as a couple. For those of us who have children, we plan to raise those children together, celebrating this family we’ve created. We talk about where we want to live when our kids leave the nest, what trips we want to take, what hobbies we might pursue together, we imagine ourselves growing old next to that person we vowed to love ‘till death do us part.
And now that future is gone. Granted, we may still have a future with that person, especially if we are co-parenting with them, but it’s going to look a lot different than we previously envisioned, and probably not in a good way. So when we talk about loss as it relates to divorce, we are talking about the loss of plans, dreams, hopes, and expectations. On top of that, many of us also experience the loss of financial security, mutual friends, and our partner’s family. If we’re coparenting, we also lose time with our children. That’s a lot of loss, which means there’s a lot to grieve.
5 Stages of Divorce Grief
It’s normal to have a lot of conflicting feelings when going through a divorce, and it’s also normal to experience these feelings at all different times. It’s also important to note that you might experience these feelings differently if the divorce is mutual, if you’re the one initiating the divorce, or if your spouse is initiating. You might feel depressed one moment and anger in the next– this blog post will be dissecting some of these feelings and how you can cope through each:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
1. Denial
For the person initiating the divorce, they will have gone through much of the grieving process before telling their partner they want a divorce. What that looks like will vary from person to person. For example, there is usually a period of time when they may deny that they are no longer invested in the marriage by keeping busy at work or with friends, or stating they want to go to couples therapy but then making little to no effort outside of therapy to work on the marriage.
For the person who does not want the marriage to end, grieving begins the moment their partner announces they want a divorce. The rejected spouse may refuse to go to mediation or hire an attorney, they won’t sign any papers or tell their parents that the marriage is over. They still plan family vacations and try to act as if none of this is actually happening.
That said, in my observation the Denial stage usually begins well before that moment, albeit outside their conscious awareness. Most unhappy spouses are quite vocal about their marital dissatisfaction for months, if not years, before announcing the divorce. For whatever reason, however, their partner could not hear it for what it was, and are then legitimately shocked to learn the marriage is over.
2. Anger
For the person initiating the divorce, they may start to show anger toward their spouse for not being the kind of partner they wanted, becoming hypercritical, leaving their partner to feel as though nothing they do is right.
Anger often starts building long before the initiator says the words out loud. It can come from years of feeling unheard, unmet needs, or repeated conflicts that never get resolved. That frustration can make it hard to communicate openly, leading to resentment and shutting down instead of working through issues. It can also cloud judgment, making decisions feel reactive rather than thoughtful.
Anger doesn’t always stay within the relationship—it can spill over into work, friendships, or even self-criticism, showing up as irritability, impatience, or burnout. Some people push it down to avoid confrontation, while others become more reactive, interpreting everything their partner does through a lens of frustration. Often, this anger is a warning sign that the relationship is in trouble, even before the decision to leave feels final. Working through these emotions with anger management therapy can help process them in a healthier way, making it easier to approach divorce with clarity rather than resentment.
The Anger stage can be the scariest one for the partner initiating the divorce, for reasons that make national headlines on a regular basis. Thankfully, most rejected spouses are just angry, not dangerous, though it can still be an acutely painful and scary time for the leaving spouse and any children who get caught in the mix.
For the spouse who wasn’t expecting the divorce, anger often comes with a mix of betrayal, rejection, and deep hurt. They may feel blindsided, wondering how long their partner has been planning to leave and why they weren’t given a chance to fix things. The realization that their partner’s anger had been building in silence can feel like deception, leaving them to question the authenticity of their shared past. This sense of abandonment can trigger intense emotional reactions, ranging from lashing out in frustration, to withdrawing in pain.
In some cases, this anger can become all-consuming, fueling destructive behaviors like blaming, retaliation, revenge, or attempts to regain control. Feelings of powerlessness can escalate into resentment, making even necessary conversations feel impossible. The mix of anger and grief can also lead to self-doubt—wondering if they were ever truly loved or if they somehow caused the relationship’s breakdown. These are all relatively normal feelings, but without support, these emotions can spiral, making healing and closure even more difficult.
3. Bargaining
The Bargaining stage can take any number of shapes. I think affairs often fall under this heading, as an attempt by the person to find happiness without having to leave the marriage (“If I can just find a way to be happy without getting divorced, maybe divorce won’t be necessary). Same goes with getting a new job, or spending more money on trips and possessions, or moving the family to a new city: all can be attempts to find happiness within a marriage that is effectively already over.
Bargaining is often more straightforward with the rejected spouse, who may insist they will make all the changes the leaving spouse has requested in the past, in order to save the marriage, only to find their promises have come too late.
4. Depression
For the person initiating the divorce, depression often sets in long before they make the final decision. The weight of emotional exhaustion, unspoken resentment, and the fear of upending their life can lead to deep withdrawal from the relationship. They may find themselves disengaging—going through the motions but feeling emotionally disconnected. This isolation isn’t just from their partner; they might also pull away from friends and family, struggling to share the turmoil they’re experiencing.
Guilt and self-blame are very common during this stage, especially if they still care about their partner but know the relationship isn’t working. They may question whether they tried hard enough or worry about being seen as the “bad guy” for leaving. This internal struggle can be overwhelming, leading many to seek therapy as they try to process their emotions, find clarity, and work through the grief of letting go.
Depression is the second most worrisome stage of the grieving process for the rejected spouse, as this is when we see spikes in suicide, especially among men, who are far more likely to be the rejected spouse in heterosexual divorce situations.
For the spouse who didn’t initiate the divorce, the depression stage can be devastating, often hitting after the initial shock and anger wear off. Feelings of rejection, abandonment, and grief can lead to deep sadness, hopelessness, and a loss of self-worth. They may replay conversations, searching for where things went wrong, or blame themselves for not seeing the signs sooner. This emotional pain can also bring physical symptoms like fatigue, changes in appetite, or difficulty sleeping, making even basic daily tasks feel overwhelming.
Behaviorally, they might withdraw from social connections, struggling to engage in activities they once enjoyed. Some become consumed by the past, fixating on memories of the relationship, while others feel numb, going through life on autopilot. Motivation can plummet, and in some cases, depression can spiral into deeper mental health struggles, especially if they lack a strong support system. Seeking therapy during this stage can be crucial in helping them process their grief, regain a sense of stability, and start rebuilding their life.
5. Acceptance
For the person initiating the divorce, the Acceptance stage is when they tell their partner the marriage is over. The grieving process does not end there, however. Many will feel a tremendous sense of relief following their decision to leave the marriage. Often, they will take this as a sign that they made the right choice and are ready to move on, having accepted that the marriage is over and taken the first and hardest step toward making it official. Rarely does this play out as expected, however.
Check out our top ten book recommendations for someone going through a divorce.
How Long Does Grief Last After Divorce?
Because the divorce process itself can be so emotionally challenging, and as they witness the fallout from their decision and the losses become more real, the leaving spouse will often go through a second grieving process, one they did not necessarily anticipate.
It can take the rejected spouse a long time to get to the Acceptance stage. I’ve seen rejected spouses cycle through the previous four stages for months or years – sometimes even decades – after the divorce is final.
At this point you may be wondering, Do people ever get to the Acceptance stage after divorce and leave the grief behind? The answer: Usually, but not always. Most of us know people who have been divorced for years and still talk about their ex with the same bitterness they had when it was fresh.
So what does acceptance look like? Initially, I believe it looks like indifference. Once you’ve let go of all your big feelings, accepting that the relationship is over and you will be moving on with your life without that person by your side, you may feel indifferent toward them. From there, as you continue to heal, you may notice some positive feelings emerge, as you incorporate both the negative and the positive parts of your history together, forming an adaptive and holistic narrative that allows you to move forward with your life, beyond the grief, a little stronger and wiser than you were before.
How to Cope with Divorce Grief
If you are struggling to get to this final stage of grief following your divorce, I would encourage you to reach out to a therapist with experience working with divorcing and divorced individuals. There are also support groups for people affected by divorce, which can help mitigate the loneliness and feelings of isolation that often accompany divorce. With the right supports in place, I believe anyone can learn to accept their divorce and move forward with their life, no matter the circumstances.
Need some help navigating the stages of divorce grief? Contact the experts at Ellie Mental Health today for support.
